Idiots Write About Sports

Hmmm…. sounds like a case of Oakland-itis combined with a severe outbreak of the chickenshits.

UPDATE: Blasted Snell. Blasted, Web-savvy Snell and his itchy posting finger.

I stumble across an item on today’s newswire that Pedro Martinez is feeling under the weather and will miss his scheduled start against the Oakland Athletics, as my beloved A’s attempt to complete their first three-game sweep in Beantown in more than a decade. So I fire off an e-mail to Snell noting the breaking news and include the impolitic, not-terribly-nice and yet not-altogether-unfunny dig at the expense of Mr. Martinez’s stamina and courage, shown below. Snell reads my e-mail and posts it at as a Weblog item. Who, after all, will mind?

The baseball gods will, that’s who.

The baseball gods took note of my ill-advised attempt at humor, and decided that, not only would the Red Sox win this game and win it going away, but that promising A’s pitcher Rich Harden would get cuffed around for the second consecutive start. The baseball gods saw my preening and boasting and decided to feed me a nice big slice of Humble Pie served with a cool, refreshing glass of Shut-Up Juice. Oh cruel, baseball gods, forgive me for offending thee!

Blasted Snell. Why not curse him, too, baseball gods? How many walkoff homers will Barry Bonds hit before you smite the Giant-loving Snell with your justice?

It should be noted that I think Pedro Martinez is a a hell of a pitcher — really going out on a limb there, man — and that his illness Thursday was legit. But I’m not the first person to notice his frequent missed starts and his annual trips to the DL, usually around the time that Boston’s interleague games and a date with the batter’s box looms on Pedro’s calendar. Fine pitcher. Gutsy pitcher. But he makes judicious use of the trainer’s room.

The below Weblog item posted by the treacherous Snell also makes reference to Clemens Disease. Perhaps I should explain.

With Roger Clemens wrapping up his career, he is justly being feted for his many accomplishments. Three hundred and five wins is nothing to sneeze at, after all. Eric Neel of ESPN.com has gone so far as to proclaim Roger Clemens a mix of John Wayne, Paul Newman, and Bruce Springsteen. Eric Neel also rates Edison International Field of Anaheim ahead of Dodger Stadium and argues that the well-nigh unwatchable garbage-ball played the passes for basketball in the NBA these days is vastly superior to the league’s 1980s glory days, so there’s the slightest chance he’s clinically insane.

Trouble is, this unadulterated praise of Clemens is not consistent with my experience. As an A’s fan, I’m used to seeing Clemens on the losing side of a decision, especially if it’s back in the day and he’s going up against Dave Stewart. (In lieu of actual statistics, we quote the great Bill Simmons and his seminal work, “Is Roger Clemens Really the Antichrist?” — “If I remember correctly, Stewart’s lifetime record against Clemens was 982-0 — even the Globetrotters-Generals feud wasn’t this one-sided.”) My most enduring memory, of course, would be Game Four of the 1990 American League Championship Series. Sox down 3-0, a must-win game for Boston, and Clemens comes out, sporting commando-style eye black… only to get tossed in the second inning by umpire Terry Cooney.

I can think of two instances where Clemens came up big in the clutch — that complete game against Seattle in the 2001 ALCS and Game Seven of the World Series that same year. I can think of a lot more times when he didn’t — leaving Game Six of the ‘86 series with the game still very much in doubt, getting run up against Boston in the ‘99 playoffs, losing at Yankee Stadium to the A’s in the 2000 divisional series and so forth.

The defining moments of Clemens’ career — what people think of when you mention his name — are the two 20-strikeout games he threw. But look at those games — one was an April 1986 contest against a Seattle Mariners team that would wind up 67-95 and 25 games out of first. The other was against the Detroit Tigers a decade later in September when the Sox were on their way out of the postseason picture. Not exactly the stuff of do-or-die.

I’m not saying Clemens is overrated. With the caveat that Tom Seaver and Steve Carlton were entering the home stretches of their careers at the time I became a baseball fan, Clemens is the greatest pitcher in my lifetime. But being a great pitcher over the course of your career doesn’t necessarily make you a great postseason pitcher. Being the best pitcher of your generation doesn’t make you the pitcher I’d want on my team for a one-game, must-win situation. And I wouldn’t want Clemens. I’d want Pedro.

Assuming, you know, that Pedro wasn’t feeling bad.