Idiots Write About Sports

… it only seems like it.

Despite the fact that my last few posting here have been devoted to denouncing the Worldwide Leader and the assorted folks under its employ, I’ve got nothing against ESPN. Well, that’s not entirely true — I’ve got plenty against ESPN (including, but not limited to, the craven firing of Gregg Easterbrook from its Web site; the steady, irreversible slide of SportsCenter; the transformation of the once-entertaining Page 2 into third-rate version of Maxim, only without the sophistication and nuance; and, of course, Stuart Scott.

But there’s plenty I still like about ESPN. Like… um… well, they still show hockey, right? And Baseball Tonight… that’s starting again soon. They still employ Rob Neyer and Tim Keown, although given the Web site’s shabby treatment of Easterbrook, who knows how long that’s going to last? And The Sports Guy… enjoyed his last column, and I wouldn’t watch an NBA game on a bet. It’s just a shame Bill Simmons is spending less time on his ESPN.com gig and more writing for something that’s on way past my bedtime.

So there. I like plenty of ESPN-related things. Just not this column about golfer John Daly.

And that’s a shame because the author, Brian Murphy, is actually a pretty good writer, particularly when it comes to his day job. I don’t know how you feel about golf — me, I follow it — but Murphy writes some lively, interesting things about it, even if you think a five-iron is something that gets the wrinkles out of your dress shirts.

That said, the only way Murphy could have made his John Daly column worse was by incorrectly conjugating the verbs. Murphy writes:

Long John is the medicine we all need. He is the sports world’s equivalent of a shot and a beer — an unadulterated blast of music that if you find too loud … well, then, you’re too damn old.

Well, then I guess I’m too old. Because I look at John Daly, and I don’t see much to admire. I certainly don’t see “The Antidote to What Ails America,” as Murphy gushes in one of the more purple shades of his prose.

Murphy does acknowledge that some people might find Daly-as-hero to be a problematic proposition.

Too often in his past, he disrespected his sport. We all remember when he hit a moving ball at Pinehurst, giving the revered U.S. Open the old Polo Mallet Treatment. And his two-hour, 10-minute rounds when he’s not in contention are childish things that stiff fans and the game.

But let’s be honest. Who among us hasn’t given the Polo Mallet Treatment to a stack of papers on our desk, if even for one day?

John Daly has feet of clay, and probably some wicked toe-jam in those feet, too.

But we’re not here to dwell on the negative.

Well, it’s good that Murphy doesn’t want to dwell on the negative. Unfortunately, when it comes to Daly, there’s one negative I keep coming back to, and it’s slightly more serious than hitting a moving ball in a fit of pique during the U.S. Open.

In 1992, on Christmas Day, Daly was arrested after a domestic dispute with his wife. More specifically, Daly allegedly shoved his wife into a wall and pulled her hair. He later pled guilty to a lesser charge, underwent counseling and was placed on probation.

Ah, but to paraphrase Murphy, who among us hasn’t ever shoved the ol’ better half into a wall and given her hair a good yank whenever she got out of line?

Well, most of us, I’m hoping.

Everyone has the hot-button issue that makes them irrationally angry; mine is hitting women. I don’t really care for people who do, and I have a hard time tucking it away under the “Everyone Makes Mistakes” file. So I freely admit that probably unfairly colors my opinion of John Daly. It’s only fair to acknowledge that this all took place nearly a dozen years — and in Daly’s case, several wives — ago, and that, so far as the state is concerned, Daly’s paid his debt to society. I certainly don’t think he should have to wear a scarlet “WB” on his golf shirt, nor do I think every article about John Daly needs to list his rap sheet.

But I do have a problem with an article like Murphy’s that dismisses John Daly’s past with a boys-will-be-boys chuckle and concludes that if you’ve got a problem with the way he comports himself, well, that’s your failing. That’s not quite the same thing as Gary Barnett dismissing an alleged rape victim as a lousy kicker or those upstanding citizen who’ve dealt with the allegations of rape against Kobe Bryant by threatening his accurser. It’s not even in the same neighborhood. But it isn’t that many exits down the expressway. And Murphy is too good a writer to churn out crap like that.