Idiots Write About Sports

My wife has really turned into a baseball fan. Which is impressive, because when we met she was not interested in any sports, coming a family that never went to sporting events and never watched sporting events on TV.

Over the years, through the tutelage of Prof. Krukow, she has come to understand not only the basics of the game but really appreciate the nuances, particularly of the clash between pitcher and hitter.

In any event, although my wife can hold her own with the best of them when it comes to talking Baseball, she has… a quirk. I hesitate to call it a weakness, because it’s not that. It’s just a quirk.

She really loves wacky names.

Yes, I admit that I enjoy them too, but I enjoy making them up. Which is why my recent baseball past is littered with references to Martino Tinez (Tino Martinez), Happy Pete (Pedro Feliz), and The Famous Eddy G (Edwards Guzman), not to mention Aaron Fultz Of The Coney Island Fultz (that’s a pretty scary sub-reference to a movie; if you don’t get it, don’t worry — Dennis Miller wouldn’t get it either).

Anyway, although Loomer Loney (Lou Merloni) may be my wife’s all-time favorite wacky name, she’s got a new present-day favorite. That would be A’s second baseman Marco Scutaro (pronounced, apparently “scooter-o”).

Ah, how I remember the summer days when we swam in the deep end, one kid with closed eyes casting about trying to nick the arm of a kid dog paddling out of the way, all the while hearing the shouts from around the pool deck: Marco! Scutaro!

Oh, also: don’t tug on Superman’s cape.