Idiots Write About Sports

In the recent past, Idiots Write About Sports has enjoyed a cruel laugh at the expense of Jim Caple. OK — more than one. It’s not that we have any sort of personal problem with Caple; it’s just that, as a general guiding principal, we tend to be put off by folks who meet three criteria:

1) Writers who suck; 2) Writers who know they suck; and 3) Writers who, despite this penetrating self-knowledge, continue to cash their paychecks without shame.

And that seems a pretty fair description of Jim Caple.

Here’s the deal: ESPN.com ran a fairly entertaining package called “The Misery Index.” David Schoenfield had a well-written piece chronicling the low points for each of the 30 Major League Baseball teams. Eric Neel had a not-bad list of the 25 most miserable moments in baseball over the last quarter century.

And then came Caple. His task: rank the 30 teams based on the miseries their fans must endure while providing that biting, repetitive wit Caple’s readers have come to know and treasure.

“Why, Phil,” you might be thinking. “Since Jim Caple likes to make the same joke about the A’s not touching home plate not once, but twice — and without even bothering to change the wording — you don’t suppose he’d try and pick up the hat trick today, do you?”

Oh, clever reader — you’re always one step ahead of me. Which means you’re probably two steps ahead of Jim Caple, who writes:

Reggie. Catfish. Rickey. The Bash Brothers. And four consecutive playoff appearances despite having less money than almost any other team. Think how happy their fans would feel if only their players could figure out how to touch home plate.

But then you probably knew that was coming, didn’t you?

Caple’s other favorite horse corpses get their regularly scheduled beating as well. Steve Bartman? Check. Grady Little? Check. The Yankees as the embodiment of all that is evil? Triple check.

The jokes are always funnier when the readers can recite them right along with you, I guess.

It’s easy to make fun of Jim Caple. (It’s fun, too!) But are we being too rough on him? In other words, is he simply a guy who leans a little too frequently on the same leitmotifs? Or is he the Ultimate Tired Hack to Whom All Other Hacks Must Pay Homage? In the interest of finding out — and to hopefully embarrass him in to coming up with some fresher material — we’re pleased to unveil a new feature here at the ol’ Idiot Sports Blog: The Jim Caple Hack-o-Meter.

From this day forward, we’ll keep a close eye on Jim to see if those favorite turns of phrase — the A’s don’t touch home plate! Grady Little leaves pitchers in too long! Steve Bartman ruins everything! — keep popping up. Out of fairness to Jim — and because we don’t have the computational capacity to count that high — we’re going to ignore the 1,038 references he’s made to Steve Bartman since last October. Like the weakest slap-hitting shortstop or junkballing long reliever, Caple starts out the 2004 season with a clean slate, starting with today’s article. So let’s check out the Jim Caple Hack-o-Meter tote board!

This list of tired jokes and hackneyed conceits is by no means complete. We welcome suggestions from our readers on your favorite Jim Caple repeats. Just send us your ideas, sit back, and let us spend the season slogging through Jim Caple’s articles in search of hackery — so you don’t have to.

How about "Number of columns written in idiotic and repetitive Ralph Wiley-esque 'look how many "hilarious" pretend quotes I can make up for notable sports figures' style"?

Excellent suggestion!

Look for its inclusion as the Mighty Jim Caple Hack-o-Meter rolls on.

I am so glad I have found others who hate Jim Caple as much as I do. What is his email address? I can't find it on ESPN's site. I'm guessing this is done purposely.

Add another notch in the Jim "I can't write about anything but how much I hate the Yankees because I'm a bitter Red Sox Fan" Caple, belt:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/040428

Thanks for the kind words, Kevin.

As much as I dislike Jim Caple's writing, basic human decency prevents me from printing his e-mail address because spam robots might harvest it. However, if you go to http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=caple_jim&id=1718810 and scroll down to the last paragraph, I think you'll find what you seek.

I really think I need to stop reading ESPN.com. I was hooked when Hunter was giving us his stream-of-consciousness gambling reparte, and I still get an occasional kick from the sporst guy. However, Jim Caple has apparently taken over the 'What does the least interesting person in the bar think about (sports topic X)?' from Ralph Wiley. The URL posted above is case in point. Caple somehow connects the respect of winning an Olympic gold metal with Barbie dolls and bobbleheads. He suggests that the Women's Soccer team is as recognizable as MJ or A-Rod. He also manages to squeeze in enough nonsense commments from other female athletes about how 'inspiring' the 96 Women's gold metal team was. I would have loved to hear those questions:

'So was the 96 team your reason for playing softball?'
'Umm..no.'
'Let me rephrase that, I need a quote for ESPN.com. Tell me how inspiring the 96 soccer team was.'
'Well Jim, they showed that women everwhere...'

The hackneyed toteboard is a great idea, but you may need to employ Deep Blue to calculate the density of crap he produces on a daily basis. I think instead you should just simply multiply all of his articles by their wordcount. Divide it by the amount of times he has made a good argument (0) and you have an index of CapleCrap.

i hate jim caple too...he's an idiot...i want to send him emails what i think about him.
man..especially his article on paul hamm and kim tae young..who is the real victim hear? the korean guy of course..he should have one it..fair and square..i dont care what people say. paul is not being victimized hear..its the korean guy who got the bronze. its easy just to say drop the whole case..and let paul keep the medal..but americans sometimes only think about themselves..
of course its easy to say things like this if ur american...but what about the koreans...they've had to endure almost 50 years of what the koreans are telling them what and not to do...finally they're complaining...and the americans tell them to just shut up. first the speedskating incident in salt lake now this. the americans need to be able to give up stuff like this if they want better international relations. especially w/ their number two ally in iraq..next to britain. Kim tae young is truly the olympic champion. if i was paul hamm..i wouldn't be able to keep a gold medal knowing that i didn't deserve it. don't try to get the world to feel pity on you. ur not the victim. the koreans are...