Idiots Write About Sports

You know for a minute we were frightened. The day after we launched the Jim Caple Hack-O-Meter, the subject of our derision penned a column about Johnny Damon’s hair that avoided all the clichés for which he is justly loathed.

Fear coursed through our veins. Had Jim Caple turned over a new leaf? Was he finally rejecting the same jokes he had been beating into the ground for past six months? Would we finally have to lighten up on Funnyman Jimmy?

Well, Caple wrote an article about the Anaheim Angels Friday. And the answer to the above question is a resounding, relieved “No.”

Caple writes:

There weren’t any national debates whether it was good for baseball. No heated meetings with the players association over deferred payments. No nationally televised news conferences from Yankee Stadium. No national magazine covers. No Red Sox fans stepping onto a ledge of the Prudential Building. No phony team captaincies.

Which we’ll take to be a derisive reference to “Cap’n A-Rod,” one of the categories on the ol’ Hack-O-Meter. We also noticed a cruel laugh had at the expense of terrible Rangers owner Tom Hicks — “Of course, new owners have come in before and spent money this freely only to find that there is more to building a winning team than opening a checkbook (yes, we’re talking about you, Tom Hicks)” — another Caple staple we forgot to add to the Hack-O-Meter that we’re rectifying now. And we’re making one final addition at the behest of Idiots Who Wire About Sports reader Vic, who suggests:

How about “Number of columns written in idiotic and repetitive Ralph Wiley-esque ‘look how many “hilarious” pretend quotes I can make up for notable sports figures’ style”?

Done and done, Vic. Let’s go to the Hack-O-Meter tote board!

Steve Bartman references — 2
Grady Little references — 2
References to the Oakland Athletics’ poor fundamentals — 1
“I Hate the Yankees” references — 1
Derisive references to Alex Rodriguez as “Cap’n” — 1
Derisive references to Tom Hicks — 1
Fake Quote columns — 0

Dude, you forgot the ultimate Caple Hack -- the "David Wells is Fat" Hack. He just busted it out in a column today:

"And finally, is David Wells an athlete, and if so, can we go on his training program?"

I've got to admit, Caple occasionally makes me laugh, but it's like he has this complusion to reach into his little "Bag O' Tricks" if he's gone three paragraphs without a joke.