Idiots Write About Sports

When it comes to experiencing a baseball game live and in person, I’m something of a purist — and a particularly snotty purist at that. I cringe whenever some would-be funnyman running the stadium audio plays a sound effect like a slide whistle or breaking glass whenever a foul ball goes into the stands. I roll my eyes at mascots. I sneer at scoreboard-based exhortations to cheer loudly. If a wave breaks out, I slump lower in my chair, lest anyone nearby think I would willingly participate in such an atrocity. And I’ve been known to greet the arrival of any of these annoyances by muttering “bush league” under my breath.

That said, I love the Rally Monkey.

The Rally Monkey is pure. The Rally Monkey is honest. The Rally Monkey did not spring from the wine-dark mind of some Committee for the Spreading of Ballpark Mirth but came to be out of pure happenstance — some video-board operator threw up some footage of a monkey in an Angels jersey jumping up and down once, and the fans took it and made it their own. The Rally Monkey is not bush league — it is a clever and original innovation that makes taking in an Angels game a unique experience.

The ThunderStix are a blight on baseball that continue to assault the senses at Angels games. But the Rally Monkey — he’s all right.

However, his magical power of sparking Angel rallys may be all played out.

I went to a game at Angels “Don’t Even Think of Calling it Edision Field” Stadium last night (details to follow once I’m off deadline and free of my writer’s block). In the bottom of the eighth with the Angels down by three, Garret Anderson led off the inning with a walk. The Rally Monkey appeared on the video board to the delight of the 33,892 in attendance.

And the next three Angels — Troy Glaus, Jose Guillen, Bengie Molina — all struck out swinging.

We move to the bottom of the ninth. Jeff DaVanon walks. Adam Kennedy rips a single to right. Runners on first and second, nobody out and the tying run is at the plate. Of course, the Rally Monkey appears.

And David Eckstein hits a pop fly to right.

Darrin Erstad strikes out swinging.

Vladimir Guerrero hits a feeble grounder to second. Thank you for coming, everyone, drive safely, and goodnight.

For those of you scoring at home, that’s two appearances by the Rally Monkey, with Anaheim batters immediately going 0 for 6 with four strikeouts, stranding three runners.

If only the ThunderStix could have such a deleterious effect.