Idiots Write About Sports

What’s in a name? A multi-use sports facility by any other name would still smell like garlic fries.

Nevertheless, the home stadium of the Oakland Athletics will soon change. Fare thee well, Network Associates Coliseum. Hail and welcome to McAfee Coliseum.

That’s not McAfee as in Bill McAfee, a veteran of five major league seasons in the 1930s who enjoyed his finest years with the Washington Senators in 1932 and 1933. Rather, that’s McAfee as in the new corporate name Network Associates is adapting for itself. Thus, as the name of the company changes, so does the name of the stadium.

According to The San Francisco Business Journal, Network Associates has a five-year naming-rights deal that runs through 2008 and generates about $1.2 million a year that gets divided between the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum Authority and the Oakland Raiders. Since the Athletics don’t see a dime from this deal, I’m not sure why they should bother calling the stadium anything.

Then again, it’s not like the name change — the third since 1998 after a brief, unhappy period as the UMAX Coliseum — affects me one iota, since I still call it the Oakland Coliseum. That’s what it was called when I was growing up, and no one — not Network Associates or whatever they want to call themselves — is paying me to call it anything else.

Of course, that’s not to say that someone can’t pay me to call it something else. I can be bought, and I can be bought rather cheaply. I’m not ashamed to say it.

So if you’ve ever wanted to live like a corporate bigshot but lacked the millions of dollars to spend on ill-advised stadium-naming-rights deals, here’s your chance to get something named after you on the cheap. Inspired by our friends at Networks Associates nee McAfee, I am putting the naming rights of the Oakland Coliseum — or what I call the Oakland Coliseum at any rate — up for bid.

No, the owner of the winning bid will not see his or her name up in lights or in newspaper accounts or mentioned by Hank Greenwald at the start of every A’s telecast. What you will get is the small tingle of pride of seeing the words [Your Name Here] Coliseum in every blog post I make about the A’s for the remainder of this season (with the right of first-refusal to renew for 2005!). And if the right to see your name appear over and over again on a little-read sports blog isn’t worth a modest amount of American dollars, I don’t know what is.

We’ll start the bidding at $1. Please respond below. And good luck!

Does it have to be after me? Am I getting full naming rights? Like "Let's Go to Sacto Coliseum"? "Papa Do Ran Ran Coliseum"?

With the caveats that excessively lengthy names that tucker out my tired typing fingers or anything that I consider unnecessarily vulgar will probably get vetoed, I figure that anyone willing to pay me cash money can name the stadium whatever they want.

Phil, I will start the bidding.

I bid $5 for the rights to have you call it the Nipsey Russell Coliseum for the year.

I'll go to $6 with "2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox Coliseum".

Hmm, this is getting rich for me, but I will give Phil a tip ... macros are cool.

I'll lay down $7 for "Steinbrenner = Anti-Christ Coliseum." No, wait -- since it's the Athletics' home field, I can think of nothing finer than "We Never Touch Home Plate Park."

Have I mentioned David Wells is fat?

$8 for "Tony LaRussa is Overrated Field".

You only accepting American currency, or can we offer terms for bartering?

Because there's room for negotiation so that I can get "Hatteberg Wenteberg" stadium ...

In light of tonight's events...I'll put up $10 for "F$#! Jim Mecir Field."

Only if we can bury him under the field, Vic.

Are there any limits on the acceptable names? Like, if someone wanted to call it "Kirk Gibson in 1988 Field", would that cost extra?

I got $8 for "F@%& Corporate Naming Rights, Go Raiders Coliseum"

I didn't see the $10. I'll make my bid $12