Idiots Write About Sports

My wife and daughter joined me Saturday for our first Giants game of the season as a family. Another sunny, warm day in the upper deck, but after two no-shows, today I got to see the Giants’ rumored slugger, Barry Lamar “Sledgehammer” Bonds.

So now, after three home games, here are Bonds’ stats in Games Jason Went To: 0 for 1, 5 Intentional Walks.

Yeah, awe-inspiring. Four freakin’ intentional walks yesterday. As my wife put it, “You’ve got to wonder if Barry’s saying to himself, ‘Why did I even bother to come to work today?’” But at least he scored.

And the Giants came from behind to win in exciting fashion, behind the efforts of Your Large Coke (No Ice) Star of the Game, A.J. Pierzynski. Looking for redemption, Pierzynski tripled, hit a decisive 2-run single, and threw out Juan Pierre. Actually, Pierzynski threw out Pierre twice, but the second-base umpire missed the call on the second play, which was obvious from the View Level as well as in the TV replays of the play.

If you were wondering, Jason Schmidt is back. For those who didn’t see him pitch, let me say that even his weak innings early on were misleading: he was ahead of almost every hitter, but gave up a lot of two-strike hits, probably due to some location mistakes. The biggest mistake, of course, was the ball that Carl Pavano hit for a home run.

When a pitcher’s home run isn’t the weirdest thing to happen in a game, you know something weird happened. Today’s Boss Weird event: the stolen base of the fleet-footed J.T. Snow. Not at the back of a double steal, either. As I proclaimed to the amazed people sitting around me, seeing J.T. Snow steal a base is like seeing a comet, or maybe a solar eclipse. Look upon this moment, friends, and remember it — we shall never see its like pass our way again.

This would be a funnier joke if, inexplicably, this wasn’t Snow’s second stolen base of the season.