Idiots Write About Sports

So the mighty Jim Caple Hack-o-Meter has been idling in power-saving standby mode. The writer we take a perverse delight in openly mocking has been on his best beahavior the past few weeks. Heck, he even wrote a column I largely agreed with, thus matching his entire total for 2003 before Memorial Day of this year.

But thanks to a post from reader mtvcdm, the Hack-O-Meter has begun whirring back to life:

Caple has written about the 10 Easiest Things To Do In Sports as a wrap-up for the Degree of Difficulty project— a very thought provoking series of articles. Shows just what Page 2 can do when it puts its mind to it.

So of course Caple has to go and ruin it with said wrap-up. Plus, he made a ‘Wells is fat’ joke

Well, mtvcdm, our judges conferred on this for several hours and decided that since Caple’s introduction to the Degree of Difficulty series included the ‘Wells is Fat’ hack, it’s only fitting that the series concludes similarly. It sort of makes sense, in a symmetrical, hackish sort of way.

However, our judges will not abide today’s David Wells column, in which Our Main Man Jim rhapsodizes about the grossest things in sports.

Is there anything more disgusting in sports than an athlete urinating on his own hands? Yes. And not all of them involve Schottzie or David Wells.

And just in case Caple’s subtle delivery somehow went over your head…

Ballplayers scratching themselves and adjusting their cups. And if you see Wells do it in the middle of chewing and spitting, you’ll be lucky if you don’t still need counseling when you’re on social security.

Got it out of your system yet, Jim?

Ballplayers chewing and spitting. Given the choice, I would much rather have tobacco than steroids banned from baseball. Tobacco is addictive and the cancer risks are well documented; but the worst part is the way players cram a thick wad of chew in their cheeks and then spit the viscous mixture of chew, sunflower seeds and saliva onto the grass, the dugout floor, teammates’ shoes, etc. By the end of a doubleheader, the dugout looks like Wells’ kitchen floor.

We’re going to guess David Wells once shoved Jim Caple and stole his sandwich. Whatever the reason, for making three David Wells references when one would have sufficed, we’re readjusting the Hack-O-Meter leader board:

David Wells is Fat! — 4
Steve Bartman references — 2
Grady Little references — 2
References to the Oakland Athletics’ poor fundamentals — 1
“I Hate the Yankees” references — 1
Derisive references to Alex Rodriguez as “Cap’n” — 1
Derisive references to Tom Hicks — 1
Fake Quote columns — 0

Looks like Wells is going to be this year’s Bartman.

Speaking of tired devices, it looks like we’re in for an outbreak of “Moises Alou pees on his hands!” columns from the wits at the Worldwide Sports Leader. Besides Caple’s column, Page 2 also features a tortured, overly long, underly funny “debate” between Patrick Hruby and Eric Neel on the subject of Moises Alou and urine.

Gentlemen, do not make us break out the Pee-O-Meter.