Idiots Write About Sports

So Bud Selig decrees that the outcome of the annual All-Star Game will determine home field advantage in the World Series, and we’re supposed to take that to mean that This One Counts!™ Well, maybe those players whose teams are in contention have been inspired to give up to 52% of their normal level of effort. But as a fan, based on what I witnessed yesterday, I’m not buying it.

As far as I’m concerned, if Major League Baseball really wants the fans to take the All-Star Game seriously, they’re going to have to do their part and treat it like a real game.

They can start by vowing to never again abruptly halt play so that Selig can hand out some touchy-feely award to the guy who single-handedly lost the game for the National League – a sudden shift in mood I found so personally jarring that I had to check twice to make sure I hadn’t accidentally skipped ahead on the TiVo and ruined the outcome of the game for myself.

Once they’ve done that, they can work on getting their televised All-Star coverage to include some footage of the actual game. From what I could see through the salty tears of excruciating boredom, Fox’s coverage consisted mostly of three hours of fluff interviews, career montages, and endearing footage of those incorrigible Yankee boys yukking it up in the AL dugout. Every five minutes or so, Fox would begrudgingly show us a three-second clip of live baseball, though the interval between clips was noticeably longer if neither Bonds nor Sosa nor one of the aforementioned Yankee boys was at the plate.

Look, I enjoy the ceremony and the relaxed attitude and the forced, insincere bonhomie of All-Star Week as much as the next guy. But when the actual game is being played, I just think it would be nice if we got to see some of it. Basically, Bud, if you want us to believe that This One Counts!™ you’re going to have to present us with some concrete evidence.

If I could be so bold as to suggest a few ways that next year’s coverage could be improved, I’d begin by pointing out that the All-Star Game is largely the domain of the existing baseball audience. There’s no point in trying to use it to woo new fans. After all, if potential fans aren’t already tuning in to watch players give their all during more meaningful regular season games, they aren’t going to be sucked in by the half-assed efforts put forth during this little exhibition game.

What I’m getting at here is that you’re not doing your viewers any favors by devoting extended segments to Roger Clemens’ storied career, Bonds’ home run total, or Gagne’s consecutive saves streak. We already hear about these things ad infinitum every damn night on SportsCenter. Instead, why not spend just a few moments on each player, so that those of us without an encyclopedic knowledge of baseball might know just who the hell the obligatory representatives from the small market teams are? As an added bonus, we fans of small market teams might get the unusual sensation that Major League Baseball actually considers us worth a mention.

On a similar note, we don’t need a ten-minute interview with the exalted Joe Torre from the AL dugout. I don’t care how astute you think Torre is for somehow getting the most expensive talent in the game to play winning baseball every year, nor do I care how fascinating you find the relative messiness of his roster card. There’s a game going on, you chuckleheads! If you want to bury your nose deep within Joe’s sweaty ass crack either before or after the game, that’s just fine. During the game, how ‘bout we let the guy get on with the task of managing? Otherwise, I might get the impression that perhaps This One™ doesn’t Count!™ so much after all.

This pointless idolatry is particularly reprehensible to me when it means that the Padres’ lone All-Star representative takes his first at-bat with nary a mention by the announcers. Fans of Mark Loretta, whose batting average is currently tops among Major League second basemen, never even got the opportunity to see that average displayed on-screen. Had he not made contact and dropped a base hit into the gap, contributing nicely to a burgeoning NL rally, we might never have known that he had stepped up to the plate at all. But gol-durn if Joe Torre’s roster isn’t a veritable mess of scrawls and scribbles!

Hey, I’m just one fan, but I don’t think I’m alone when I say this. I tune in to the All-Star Game for two main reasons: to see how my favorite team’s sole delegate represents his ball club, and because I just plain like to watch a good baseball game. Fox’s coverage denied me both. But I’m confident that if the All-Star coverage was retooled to focus on these two things, baseball could throw out this contrived home field advantage business, because for the fans, that would be more than enough to make the game count.

Oh, and if you ever do decide to make sweeping changes to the format of your broadcast, Fox, you might want to hire somebody who knows the difference between “uplifting and inspirational” and “kinda sad.” Whichever producer determined that it would be a good idea to replay the clip of Muhammad Ali feebly punching out gnats during damn near every commercial bumper is decidedly not that person.

>Instead, why not spend just a few moments on each player, so that those of us without an encyclopedic knowledge of baseball might know just who the hell the obligatory representatives from the small market teams are?

Great idea! I'm also with you in wondering why they insist on trotting Ali out for every national sports event these days. While he seems to enjoy himself (and giving bunny-ears to Jeter was classic), it just gets more depressing every time. Invite him to the game, give him a great seat, but don't trot him out there on the field like a show pony, OK?