Idiots Write About Sports

So the wife and I took in a game at Camden Yards last night to see if the A’s could complete a three-game sweep of the Orioles. The early prognosis — probably not. Mark Mulder was not terribly sharp. Baltimore was scratching out runs. And with the execption of Eurbiel Durazo — who had driven in all of Oakland’s runs up to that point — the remainder of the A’s offense might as well have been sight-seeing in the Inner Harbor at game time. Inexplicably, the game was tied 4-4 heading into the eighth, but with B.J. Ryan (who is good) replacing Sidney Ponson (who is so terribly not good), the pendulum seemed to be swinging back in the O’s favor.

Which is when the Baltimore fans began to do The Wave.

My wife — who is extremely knowledgeable about these sorts of things — looked at me excitedly. “They’ve just doomed their own team,” she said. I nodded my head, somewhat sadly. “It’s true. The fools.”

And we’re right, you know. Whenever fans at any baseball park across this great land of ours break out The Wave, disaster usually follows. I have no scads of research to back up this claim — just enough empirical evidence to give even the most overly-exuberant fan pause.

During the 2002 season, I attended an A’s-Mariners tilt in which Barry Zito took a no-hitter into the seventh inning. Somewhere in the second deck, some drunken hey-look-at-me! yahoo decided to start The Wave. Almost immediately, Zito gave up a hit, costing all the fans in attendance a chance to witness baseball history. Even worse, Seattle scored in that inning, turning what had been an Oakland laugher into a taut, tight ballgame. And why? Because some moron thought it would be fun to do The Wave. He’s fortunate we didn’t string him up on the foul pole.

Why should The Wave invite chaos and despair for the home team? Because it is an abomination against baseball. Because those that start it do so not to root on the home squad but to bring glory and notoriety to themselves. Because it’s used at inapporpriate moments. Say what you will about those “Make Noise!” and “Cheer Now!” messages that appear on scoreboards — at least the scoreboard operator doesn’t flash them when the opposing team is in the midst of a three-run rally.

Back to last night, The Wave hadn’t even finished circling Oriole Park at Camden Yards before its obscene clamor had awakened the Baseball Gods. Furious at the effrontery of the Baltimore fans, dismayed that those same fans would start The Wave as the visitors batted, and sickened that The Wave should begin just as a man who had already swatted two homers that night was walking to the plate, the Baseball Gods decided to have their vengeance. Despite the fact that Ryan entered the game having held lefty batters to a .078 batting average and just one home run, Durazo clubbed one of his pitches to deep left center. The ball just barely cleared the wall, and the A’s had a one-run lead.

Is there any doubt The Wave was to blame?

Foolishly, the Baltimore fans tried to continue The Wave. The results were predictable, if not especially pretty for the home side. After an Eric Byrnes strikeout, Damian Miller — 0 for 3 up until that point, with a strikeout — smacked a single to center. Marco Scutaro struck out as well, brining Mark Kotsay to the plate. And, as The Wave continued to circle the stadium, Kotsay bashed a pitch to deep right — it veered foul at the last second.

The Wave stopped right then and there, let me tell you. And only then was Ryan able to retire Kotsay on a fly ball.

“Do The Wave, bad things happen,” I said to the Baltimore fans around me, as Durazo circled the bases. “It’s the law.”

Caple Hack Watch!!!! Julio Franco is old! Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park are old and crumbling! The used to play the Olympics naked! Naked! Isn't that funny? Naked naked naked