Idiots Write About Sports

The A’s had just dispensed with the Baltimore Orioles, and I was sitting in Section 74 at Camden Yards, totalling up the game in my scorebook when I heard the unmistakable sound of impetuous youth.

“A’s suck!”

Now granted, I was wearing my A’s hat, but with a good many Oakland fans in attendance at last night’s game, the young man could have been talking to a good many people. Besides, I was in no position to engage in debate with such a rhetorically skilled opponent, so my nose remained burried in my scorebook.

“Hey, A’s fan!” the young man screamed, and now it was clear that he was screaming at me. “I bet you miss Tejada.”

Which is when I looked up from my scorebook, stared my opponent straight in the eye and said, “No, not especially.” (This is, of course, a half-truth. Obviously, I miss Miguel as a player and as a person and as a positive influence in the clubhouse. But Oakland has found a more than adequate replacement and seems to be doing quite well without him. Still, shouting down a heckler is no time for caveats and asides, so “No, not especially” will have to do as a response.)

But my opponent had already decided that our frank exchange of ideas was over, as he began walking away before I could finish speaking my piece. “A’s suck!” he screamed over his shoulder.

Check and mate.

Now, I enjoyed my first game in Baltimore. I think the stadium is outstanding. I find the fans pleasant. And I would put Baltimore up against all comers for the title of Best Baseball City. But Balmer denizens… you are really, really bad at taunting.

I don’t think I have to detail the many ways in which the young man who hurled invective upon me brought shame upon the heads of his fellow Orioles fans. But to list the problems with his line of attack ever so briefly:

1. He questioned the skill and competency of the Athletics just after they had completed a three-game sweep of his team.
2. Oakland has reached the playoffs the last four seasons and is on pace to reach the playoffs again this year; Baltimore hasn’t and won’t.
3. The young man went to the “you suck” well early and often.
4. When you taunt people as you run away, it comes across as vaguely chickenshit.

Would that this were the only example of lackluster taunting during my stay in Charm City. Sadly, it was the rule rather than the exception.

Exhibit 1: Our seats in left field were close enough so that we could have engaged the left fielders in conversation, if they weren’t already previously occupied. Obviously, this represents a prime opportunity for the would-be taunter to try and make a grown man cry.

The good-natured lout in front of us was not up to the task.

“Hey, Byrnes,” the good-natured lout screamed at the Oakland left-fielder. “Why do you spell your name with six letters? Are you from the South?”

Um…. I think he spells his name that way because his ancestors were Irish and not Scottish. But then again, I’m fairly well-read.

Exhibit 2: Same good-natured lout, same left-fielder, different inning, worse taunt.

“Hey, Byrnes. Smithers just called. And he wants you to know, “You suck, sir.”

Oh dear.

The tenuous reference is bad enough. But under no circumstances should a taunt ever last more than a sentence or two. And besides, if you want to find something to taunt Eric Byrnes about, it’s not like you have to strain to find material.

(In defense of the good-natured lout, he did fire off one good line during the evening, but at the expense of the home team. After worthless former Giant Sidney Ponson gave up his second homer of the night to Eurbiel Durazo, an O’s fan complained loud and long that Ponson always tired during the sixth inning. “I dispute that,” the good-natured-lout said. “He usually tires during the first inning.”)

Now, I had season tickets to Oakland games for three seasons in the right-field bleachers, so believe me — I know from taunting. And so it is, that I share with you the three greatest taunts I ever heard, as an object lesson for any Orioles fans who may be reading this. In descending order:

3. Against the Detroit Tigers a few years ago, one of the A’s fans in the right-field bleachers seranaded then-Tiger outfielder Robert Fick — the only Tiger to make the All-Star Game that year — with the folowing chant, using the “Let’s Go Oak-land (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)” cadence: “Pi-ty All-Star (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap).” Soon, the entire right-field section was chanting along.

2. In a game against the Seattle Mariners, one leather-lunged fan who spent the entire game spewing invective in the general direction of Ichiro Suzuki stopped in one particularly venomous stream of abuse to observe, “You know, Ichiro… you’re actually fairly attractive.” I don’t believe I can ever do justice to how funny that was.

3. It was a Cleveland Indians game, back when Juan Gonzalez began slouching toward mediocrity. Juan Gone made a rather boneheaded error that resulted in a big Oakland inning. And as either the third or fourth A’s run crossed the plate, a fan shouted more in sorrow than in anger, “This all could have been prevented, Juan!” Brought down the house.

So study these examples, Orioles fans. Learn from them. Live them. The next time I come to Camden Yards, I expect to be suitably chastened by the locals.