Idiots Write About Sports

I was watching the A’s-White Sox game the other night on Fox Sports Net Chicago — a situation that entitles me to your deepest sympathies since it meant prolonged exposure to the broadcast stylings of Darrin Jackson and Ken Harrelson. The MLB Extra Innings package has allowed me to sample the broadcast offerings of 26 of the 30 baseball clubs — the Phillies, Padres, Expos and Blue Jays aren’t a part of the package — and the White Sox telecasts are easily the worst, thanks in part to Harrelson and his non-sensical ramblings, contrived home-run calls and undisguised cheering for the home team.

Harrelson’s call of Roberto Alomar’s seventh inning hit that allowed Joe Crede to score and tie the game? “Run, Joe!” Yeah, I say the same things when the A’s get a hit, but I’m just some fan in the bleachers working on my third beer; Harrelson’s supposedly a professional broadcaster being paid for his accounts and descriptions of a Major League Baseball game. My advice — describe the action first, cheer later. It won’t make you any less of a clown, but it will make you a more descriptive one. As it stands, whenever the A’s play the Sox, and we get the Chicago feed, my wife has to hide all the sharp objects so I’m not trying to stab my eardrums by the fourth inning.

But that’s not what I want to talk to you about today.

No, I want to talk about an ad I saw, for your Chicagoland and Northwest Indiana Chevy dealers. The ad features White Sox slugger Magglio Ordonez espousing his love for all things Chevrolet over footage of him at home with the wife and kids, working out in a gym, and smacking a prodigious home-run off a hapless pitcher, who probably drives a Ford.

It is that last piece of footage that caught my eye. It’s a clip from an actual game telecast between the White Sox and the Cleveland Indians. But for some reason — probably because your Chicagoland and Northwest Indiana Chevy dealers didn’t want to pony up for the rights to show the Indian pitcher’s likeness — the game footage has been digitally altered to blur the pitcher. The ultimate effect makes it look like the pitcher, shortly after surrendering the home run, entered the Witness Protection program to testify against his former mob associates. Either that, or Magglio Ordonez is hitting a home run off The Blank from the old Dick Tracy comics.

Then again, it doesn’t sound like that commercial will be running in Chicago at this time next year…

Curious as a basic-cabler who gets FSN North where the Cubs and Brewers stand among the 26.

That's probably worth a whole post on its own. The Cubs announcers -- Chip Carry and Steve Stone, right? -- neither bug me nor blow me away. They're just sort of pleasant and inoffensive. Yeah, there's homerism there -- despite what Moises Alou may tell you -- but they don't let it get in the way of calling the action like another Chicago-based announcer I could name.

The Brewers announcers... to tell you the truth, they barely register with me. I don't go out of my way to catch Milwaukee games, so I couldn't even tell you who does the games.

The best announce teams, off the top of my head: the Giants (Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper), the Red Sox (Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy) and the Cardinals (Joe Buck -- terrible on Fox games, but great here -- and the Mad Hungarian). I also enjoy the Pirates announcers far more than I probably should.

The worst announce teams: Hawk and DJ (Put _this_ on the board, clown!), the Steinbrenner propagandists on YES (Jim Kaat is the lone exception), the Diamondbacks (Thom Brennaman -- lousy on Fox and lousy here -- and Mark Grace) and the parade of idiots on Mariner telecasts (Dave Niehaus, Ron Fairly, and Dave Henderson. Loved you as a player, Hendu, but I'm going to snap off a finger diving for the mute button.)

You've got to make room on that "worst" list for Angels homers Rex Hudler and Steve Physioc. Pretty much unwatchable at this point.

That's true, Vic. I guess I don't think of them as "out-of-town" announcers since I'm located in SoCal. But the Angels crew -- particularly Hudler -- is awful. Not as bad as the the other teams mentioned above, but pretty bad.

The thing that frosts me about them is the constant beatification of Arte Moreno. He's a fine owner, but it's not like he invented the concept of fan-friendly ownership, you know? To listen to the Angels announcers, however, you would think Moreno has arrived in Anaheim via heaven to create paradise on earth on the corner of State College and Katella. Even if it means attributing things to him that he actually hasn't done.

Case in point: last night's game, Hudler was babbling on about how Angel pitching coach Bud Black could have taken the Indians managerial post that went to Eric Wedge, but that he wanted to stay in Anaheim to (among other reasons) be a part of Arte Moreno's great organization. That's a neat trick, seeing as how Wedge was hired as Indians manager several months before Moreno became Angels owner. Example No. 2: last week, Fox carried the Angels-Twins game and used Jose Mota (the Angel's surprisingly competent No. 3 guy) as the game analyst. Mota credited Moreno for the renovations at Angels Stadium. The remodeled stadium is great, but that's a project that began under Disney, not St. Arte of Orange County.

Guess this could be a post on its own, too.

No Padres coverage on MLB Extra Innings? San Diego gets screwed again!

It's MLB's loss, though. Matt Vasgersian, his hosting gig on GSN's execrable Celebrity Blackjack notwithstanding, does a great job. He manages to mix great play-by-play work with surprisingly (for a baseball announcer) witty commentary. His usual color guy, ex-pitcher Marc Grant, is a bit of a doof, but he has a great chemistry with Vasgersian and is not nearly so painful to listen to as the dope-loving buffoon just northwards of here. I'm sure most purists probably hate them, because they appear to be actually having fun, but in my travels I have yet to run across a team I like better.

We also get a lot of Rick Sutcliffe subbing in, but the less said about that, the better.

I don't think the Padres are available because they're on Channel 4 in San Diego, as opposed to a cable outlet. And if memory serves, San Diego receives Fox Sports West and FSW2 -- the Angels and Dodgers channels. (And those games are blacked out in S.D. county, aren't they?)

What's really funny about this, is that in the ads for Extra Innings, they include a mention of the Padres as one of the out-of-market teams you can watch. "Catch the Padres in Portland!" they say. Yeah -- but only if they're playing some team whose games are picked up by Extra Innings.

Post a comment