Idiots Write About Sports

Mean things about John Kruk. Pissy dismissals of Jayson Stark. Long, rambling treatises on events that were old news a week ago. Something, eating at you, Phil?

Yes. Yes, there is.

It’s been unpleasantly warm in L.A. this week. The paying job has been a bit of a challenge in the past few days. I’ve had a headache in the same part of my skull, just behind my left eye since Tuesday. (And visions of my governor screaming, “It’s not a too-mah!” at me since about Wednesday). I’m out of bourbon.

Oh, and my team’s season is crumbling before my very eyes, just in case you haven’t read the papers lately.

Right after David Dellucci hit his double to end Thursday’s game — of all the demons in hell sent to tormet me… David Dellucci? — a debate ranged in my head between the rational and emotional parts of my doubtlessly too-mah infested brain.

Rational Phil: We’re doomed.

Emotional Phil: Don’t say that! Don’t be a fair-weather fan.

Rational Phil: Being a fair-weather fan and being realistic are two different things. Oakland is playing terrible baseball right now. We are losing to the teams we need to beat. Nothing is going right for us — the offense is inconsistent, the bullpen is unreliable, and did I just hallucinate Mark Mulder was a Cy Young candidate at some point this season?

Emotional Phil: You have written this team off too many times to even count. You were wrong then. You are wrong now. We’re still in first, and we’re going to pull this thing out.

Rational Phil: Even assuming we take two of three from the Angels this weekend — a very tall order, mind you — Texas is surging and playing a Mariner team just waiting for its tee time to get called. And even if we minimize the hemorrhaging this weekend, next weekend we do it all over again. The odds seem to be shifting in Texas’ favor.

Emotional Phil: But the A’s are so resillient.

Rational Phil: Resilliency, schmilliency. But let’s say you’re right — let’s say Oakland outlasts a more talented Angel team and a Ranger team that’s playing better baseball right now. So we back into the playoffs and who does our opponent wind up being in the divisional series? Boston. Need I remind of how fun those games were this season?

Emotional Phil: Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Rational Phil: That’s my line. Anyhow, my point is, that even if we make the playoffs — and typesetters have yet to create a font size big enough for that particular “if” — do you really expect a lengthy postseason stay for the good guys this year, given the crummy brand of baseball we’ve seen since Labor Day.

Emotional Phil: You’re right. Pass me the bourbon.

Rational Phil: We’re all out. Don’t you read our lengthy introductions?

Emotional Phil: No. God, I hate you.

Rational Phil: That makes two of us.

Wow. What a performance. How many words has it been today, Phil? And I read every last one of 'em. Well done.

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