October 22, 2004
One Bad Column Idea Deserves Another
Reader Marvin Gardens perfectly encapsulates my thinking about this turn of events.
You’ll be pleased to know, Caple has abandoned the Zimmer Fake Quote columns.Instead, he’s doing Jessica Simpson.
God is dead.
Is He ever, Marvin. Is He ever.
Perhaps this is presumptious thinking on my part, but I now feel as I’m locked in a battle of wills with Jim Caple. “So the little punk didn’t like my endless stream of Don Zimmer fake-quote columns, huh?” Caple said aloud, as he hastily cut-and-pasted jokes from previous columns into an entirely “new” article. “Well, let’s see how he likes it when I write fake-quote columns by so-totally-five-minutes-ago celebrities!”
The answer: I do not like it. Not one bit.
But if this is some attempt to get me to crack, to get me to throw up my hands and abandon the Jim Caple Hack-O-Meter, it is misspent effort. Never shall I yield. Never shall I surrender. Never shall I stop tallying the number of times Jim Caple repeats the same jokes and conceits over and over again. I will not stop until one or the both of us lie dead.
Fake Quote columns — 15
David Wells is Fat! — 7
“I Hate the Yankees” references — 5
Steve Bartman references — 3
Grady Little references — 2
References to the Oakland Athletics’ poor fundamentals — 2
Johnny Damon is a filthy hippie! — 2
Derisive references to Alex Rodriguez as “Cap’n” — 1
Derisive references to Tom Hicks — 1
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Comments
Also, brace yourself. If you'll read the opening closely, Caple fully intends to pull this shit with other celebrities as well.
I hear people get executed in some countries for this kind of thing.
Ooh, I smell a pool idea. What current red-hot celebs do we think the Hack will trot out?
The Osbournes?
Ricky Martin?
Monica Lewinsky?
Regis Philbin?
William Hung?
That 'Weakest Link' lady?
Taking my inspiration from the Hack-o-Meter, I'd have to put my money on Steve Bartman or Grady Little.
My money's on Ray-Jay Jonson, Joe Piscopo, and Jaye P. Morgan. That Caple has his finger on the pulse of pop culture, I tell you.
Who's Ray Jay Jonson?
Ray J. Johnson, I should say.
And you can call him Ray. Or you can call him Jay. Or you can call him a washed up '70s comedian.
Do you really want to walk down this path, Phil? I mean, he gets *paid* to write these things. What do you get out of it?
Oh, that guy. I think I saw him once on a Howdy Doody remake back when I was in, what, kindergarten?
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