Idiots Write About Sports

I was over at Jason’s tonight, playing dice baseball. Yes, we are two grown men in our thirties, and we spent a Friday evening playing dice baseball. No, we don’t know why our wives haven’t divorced us yet, either.

Anyhow, the conversation turned to baseball-themed music at one point in the evening, which of course, led us to Talkin’ Softball, the Terry Cashman-esque parody of “Talkin’ Baseball” that appeared at the end of the “Homer at the Bat” episode of The Simpsons. You know the lyrics…

We’re talkin’ softball…
From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin’ softball…
Mattingly and Canseco.
Ken Griffey’s grotesquely swollen jaw.
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We’re talkin’ Homer… Ozzie and the Straw.

“Do you realize,” Jason said, “that The Simpsons has been on the air for so long, that at the time this episode aired, Steve Sax was a contemporary baseball player?”

“Do you realize,” I replied, “that The Simpsons has been on the air for so long, that the only active players from Mr. Burns’ band of ringers are Roger Clemens and Ken Griffey Jr.”

And it’s true. Everyone else from that episode is long since retired. Ozzie Smith is in the Hall of Fame. Wade Boggs will be in there by this time next year. Mike Scioscia has won a World Series… as a manager!

Which is why we feel like old, old men tonight. Though not nearly as old as we would have if Mr. Burns had succeeded in lining up his original dream team. Cap Anson! Honus Wagner! Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown! Sadly, most of Mr. Burns’ players had retired and passed on.

By dice baseball do you mean APBA? I was always partial to Statis-Pro. A couple of years ago I picked up Statis Pro baseball on Ebay and then found a guy who has reversed engineered how to create the player cards, and sells them as a PDF file. So I, a grown man, spent hours printing the cards out on card stock, and carefully cutting them out so I could teach my son how to play.

He prefers APBA.

And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!

I used to play dice baseball with some friends in my high school days. This was the mid-70s. I remember writing down the Giants lineup with the M players like Matthews and Montanez.

It was just basic stuff.

2 Triple
3 Double
4 Single
5 Out or Sac
6 Out
7 Strikeout
8 and 9 Out
10 Single
11 BB
12 HR

Mike Scioscia was good enough to be considered a 'ringer'? Boy, we didn't have much for catchers back then. That'd be like putting Michael Barrett on a similar team today. Which to me would go:
1B: Albert Pujols
2B: This is the Scioscia position right now. At this point, take Jeff Kent over Mark Loretta.
3B: Scott Rolen, though Melvin Mora's actually very tempting
SS: Miguel Tejada
OF: Ichiro
OF: Barry Bonds (yea, yea, I know)
OF: Manny Ramirez
C: Michael Barrett-- kidding. Can't see anyone else but Jorge Posada.
P: Johan Santana

Chris: We use APBA. A couple years ago for Christmas, my wife got me the 50th anniversary edition as a gift. That had the stats for the 2000 season. We are now playing a season based on the 2001 stats. That Barry Bonds -- he's awfully good.

Samuel Tilden: Pitt the Elder!

Jay: APBA is slightly more sophisticated. You roll two dice and consult the cards to see what play any combination from 11 to 66 gets you. Although once we finish this season we're probably going to computerize things.

Mtvcdm: I suspect Scioscia was tapped because he was a Southern California guy and therefore easily available. (Same with Sax, who was on the Yankees at the time, but probably hanging around SoCal in the offseason).

I think they'd probably ask Pudge before Posada.

Phil,

Looking back, what we (my friend Steve as a Giants fan too) were doing was more of a fantasy than anything. The Giants were none too good so I guess .500 was not a bad target!

yo it's all about the SportsClix. I built a stadium for mine.

I think, in the interests of actually having the time to do my job and assorted chores around the house, I should probably stay as far away from the SportsClix as possible.

Plus, I think my cat would probably wind up eating the little men.

Now I have "Talkin' Softball" stuck in my head. Which always gets twisted up with the old Twins version of Talkin' Baseball. Good tunes, good times.

Grotesquely swollen jaw!

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