Idiots Write About Sports

Well, it took about seven weeks for Red Sox fans to bring the “Oh, woe is us!” act out of retirement, which is about six weeks longer than I thought it would take. Bill Simmons rends his garments at the prospect of Pedro Martinez pitching some place other than The Fens next year:

I can’t emphasize this point strongly enough: Pedro’s shocking departure was the worst possible thing that could have happened. Losing the most exciting pitcher in the history of the franchise was bad enough. Losing him because he leveraged the good will of the championship season into a far-too-generous offer from the Red Sox, then leveraged that offer into a suicidal contract from the Mets — four years and $54 million for a six-inning pitcher with a history of shoulder problems — I mean, how are we supposed to feel about this guy now?

Did he care about those seven years in Boston at all? Was he another hired gun like Clemens? Were all the stories about him true, that he was a prima donna who only looked out for himself? And most importantly, would this change the way we remembered his contribution to the first World Series title in 86 years? We spent the past three months basking in the glow of October, reveling in everything good about sports. Then Pedro did his best to ruin the moment. I don’t know if I can forgive him. In Year 1 of the “Everything Else is Gravy Era,” the gravy couldn’t even stay hot through the holidays.

A Red Sox fan griping about losing out on a high-priced free agent should generate as much sympathy as listening to Bill Gates complain that he was outbid on a jet-ski purchase by the Sultan of Brunei.

Someone might want to tell Miss Simmons that such hysterics worked better when Sarah Berhardt was pitching them -- "He ruined the moment! I don't know if I can forgive him! Oh, fetch me my chaise longue, so I might swoon before cutting him out of all our pictures together!"

Dude, unless you were united with Pedro Martinez in secret gay wedlock -- or open gay wedlock, what with this being Massachusetts and all -- and he's ditching you for a younger model with six-pack abs, you have no call to whine, "Did he care about those seven years in Boston at all?"

What's next? "I gave you the best years of my life"? "When we made our vows, I said forever and meant it -- what about you"? "I hope you have a good lawyer because you're never seeing the children again"?

Unless Bostonian sentiment can be easily converted to hard currency -- and only Dan Shaughnessy seems to possess that magic power -- I'd say that seven years were pretty fairly valued when Martinez was making decisions about where to go.

In fairness, toward the end of the column, he does strike a more conciliatory note:

"I can't root against him. It's just not in me. He's like family. And maybe I'm a sap, but I can't blame him for wanting to move on -- unlike Clemens, at least Pedro played on a championship team before splitting town."

Or, translated back into histronics-speak: "Darling! Darling! I don't mean to be cruel -- I don't. It's just ... oh, darling, when a girl loves a man like you, she loses her head and lets her heart take over."

(Violin music swells, camera pulls into a black-and-white closeup up Pedro's face as he takes in the swooning ex-mistress, then he leaves as Miss Simmons collapses into fresh tears.)

Part of it may have been just because it was the Mets. I mean, the Dodgers or the Cubs, sure. Even the Yankees -- that would be a betrayal, but it's the Yankees. There's no reason for anyone, ever, to sign with the Mets for any reason but money. I mean, they're the Mets.

The Mets, the Red Sox ... the Yankees. They're all about money. I am personally sick of everyone acting like there is any of sort of rivalry between the players -- its all theatre. Between the fans - yes. The Red Sox spend less than the Yankees ... slightly. Both spend a helluva lot more than the Twins & A's -- two domination ball clubs.

If Pedro would have gone to NYY, I would have never watched another baseball that didn't include my hometown Twins. Thanks Pedro for sparing me baseball for a little while.

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