Idiots Write About Sports

When last we gave Jim Caple a taste of the lash, the ESPN.com columnist had abandoned his usual bag of rhetorical tricks in favor of the bold new career path of just making shit up — otherwise known as the Fake Quote Column.

Following his untriumphant turn at putting words in Jessica Simpson’s mouth, Caple gave us World Series-themed Fake Quote columns from Ben Affleck, Steven Tyler and John Ashcroft. We can only thank the Boston Red Sox for making such short work of the Cardinals, thus sparing us the Fake Quote Columns from Fred Grandy, the rock group Boston and deceased Supreme Court Justice Abe Fortas undoubtedly queued up on Caple’s hard drive.

Throw in a Fake Quote Column about the Washington Nationals and another one about the Monday Night Football-Desperate Housewives imbroglio complete with references to Charlie’s Angels, MacGyver, and Roseanne Barr (Oh Caple — your talent is matched only by your topicality!), and the Fake Quote Column cruises to an easy victory in our inaugural Hack-O-Meter contest. And that’s even after a “David Wells is Fat!” joke and a “Johnny Damon is a Filthy Hippie!” throwaway line in other columns (no links — just take my word for it).

And this week, in an apparent effort to salt away the win for Fake Quote Column, Caple writes a Fake Quote Column about… himself. (As if to emphasize the Universe-Collapsing-Upon-Itself nature of the column, it’s actually entertaining.) And with that, the Hack-o-Meter final score reads:

Fake Quote columns — 20
David Wells is Fat! — 8
“I Hate the Yankees” references — 5
Johnny Damon is a filthy hippie! — 3
Steve Bartman references — 3
Grady Little references — 2
References to the Oakland Athletics’ poor fundamentals — 2
Derisive references to Alex Rodriguez as “Cap’n” — 1
Derisive references to Tom Hicks — 1

Speaking of that Caple Fake Quotes Himself column, there’s one line in there that I can’t help but consider either an acknowledgement of literary wrongs or a desperate cry for help:

With little actual knowledge of the sports they cover, today’s sportswriters try to spice up their copy with allusions to the latest pop cultural icons. Not only will these “clever” references be woefully outdated within a year or two, most are so strained that they already fly over the heads of most Western Union operators. (Who the hell is this Madonna, anyway?)

Yes, Jim, it’s a real shame when bad writers make outdated references over and over again. Someone should really do something to put a stop that.

Now go, and sin no more.

And on that note, we shove the Hack-O-Meter, kicking and screaming, into the junk drawer for the winter. It will make its triumphant return sometime around when pitchers and catchers report, at which time I expect to be knee-deep in “David Wells is Fat!” jokes. Until then, Jim Caple has an amensty to write as many Fake Quote Columns as his heart desires.

Post a comment