Idiots Write About Sports

In part one of our epic-length, extended-dance-remix-version Spring Training Guide, we talked about the various venues in the Phoenix-Scottsdale area. (Didn’t read part one? Do so now! Only, first, leave a trail of bread crumbs and a note telling your family that you’re going to be gone awhile so they don’t worry.) In part two, we’re going to talk about… um… other stuff. Stuff like…

Where to Eat

There are two philosophies to eating while on the road. The first is the Play It Safe school of thought: dine only at known quantities, recognizable chains, and restaurants that advertise and flourish nationally. It is not my intent to cast any aspersions on anyone who might live by that code, but I do think such an approach defeats the entire purpose of exploring a new city and is symptomatic of the failure of imagination plaguing our great nation. Also, if the choice comes down to eating at one of the countless Applebee's littering the landscape and resorting to cannibalism, well, I can only hope my traveling companions aren't stringy and gamey.

Oh, I'll eat at national chains when I'm traveling. If I'm running late. Or if I need to catch a plane, and there's only a Golden Arches between me and the terminal. Or if the local options appear limited to places with names like E.Coli-a-Plenty and Bob's House of Ptomaine ("Now in Our Seventh Week Since the Health Inspectors Let Us Reopen!").

Otherwise, I try to sample the local cuisine when I'm in a new place, since I figure that part of visiting somewhere is experiencing the tastes as well as the sights. Sometimes, I go someplace fancy. Other times, I do not. But if eating out just once on a trip strikes any sort of blow against the blandinization of America, then I'm happy to do my part.

So how do I find local places to eat. Well, any newspaper worth its salt has a food/restaurant section. And any newspaper that isn't run by Luddites or stick-using ape men has a section of its Web site devoted to restaurant reviews.

I don't know what the Arizona Republic's hiring practices are in regards to stick-using ape men, but it does have a pretty good Web site with a very good restaurant section. In addition to a database that lets you search by city or by cuisine, it also has an archive of its Best Restaurant picks for 2004.

And if that's not enough for you, well, here's where I like to eat when I'm in the Valley of the Sun. I assume all of these places are still in business, but you never know in the crazy restaurant biz. One time, when I was at spring training with Jason and his lovely wife, I talked up this breakfast place in Scottsdale where they served the best blueberry pancakes I ever had -- Fast Freddy's was the name, I think. Anyhow, we drove out there, and the place had been taken over by a sports bar, which, needless to say, did not serve blueberry pancakes at all, good or otherwise. We wound up having to eat breakfast at a Coco's, which is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

So if you're going to head out to any of these places, double-check to make sure they still exist first, OK?

• Don & Charlie's Chop House, Scottsdale

There's a reason no spring training visitor's guide gets written without an obligatory mention of Don & Charlie's. Because the food is very good. Also, the walls and ceilings are covered with sports memorabilia -- I ate dinner under Ron Santo's pants! -- so that's a natural draw for the kind of folks who fly into town to watch baseball games that don't count. I particularly enjoy the Monuments to Failure -- postseason tickets printed on behalf of teams that made early exits from the playoffs. You haven't lived until you've dined on prime rib while seated under a strip of tickets to the 1989 World Series featuring the Chicago Cubs against their American League opponent.

Ah, the prime rib. I've eaten that particular cut of meat the world over, friends, and I can't say I've ever had anything that comes close to the melt-in-your-mouth goodness of the prime rib served at Don & Charlie's. So in summary: order the prime rib. I can also vouch for the chicken and rib combo.

They say Don & Charlie's is a prime location for ballplayer spotting. I can't say whether or not this is true, because I have no ability whatsoever to pick out famous people who are mingling amongst us civilians. I did happen to see A's TV color man Ray Fosse dining there last year, but I didn't stop by and say hello. For one, I'm painfully shy. For another, Ray Fosse doesn't need me interrupting his dinner.

I do have one bit of advice about Don & Charlie's: don't go there if you absolutely have to eat right away before your organs start feeding on one another to keep you alive. Because there's always a crowd and there's always a wait. Unless you have a reservation, I suppose -- I never do. I've had my best luck getting seated promptly at Don & Charlie's when I've dined alone or been willing to eat at the bar. About time this friendless loser gig I've got going started reaping dividends.

And don't take my word for it that Don & Charlie's is a popular spot. Here's a quote from the man himself, courtesy of Baseball Musings:

Reservations at Scottsdale's famed Don & Charlie's restaurant are "unbelievable," said co-owner Don Carson, whose walls are decorated with an array of baseball memorabilia.

"We accept reservations up to 30 days in advance, and we're getting calls at midnight," Carson said.

• George & Dragon, Phoenix

I think the British have gotten a bad rap when it comes to their contributions to world cuisine. Then again, I'm the only person know who enjoys steak and kidney pudding, so it could just be me.

It's no surprise, then, that I really enjoy the George & Dragon, which is a very nice pub on Central Avenue in Phoenix. It's part-restaurant, part-bar, so even if the food options don't appeal to you -- and I should point out, they serve up a mean plate of fish and chips -- you can always drop in and enjoy a pint.

• Carlsbad Tavern, Scottsdale

Until I stopped here for lunch seven years ago, I had no idea that there was even such a thing as New Mexican cuisine. There is -- and it's delicious.

The Carlsbad Tavern exterior and, thankfully, not the set of the next Joel Schumacher movie

Among the house specialties is the habanero burger. What's a habanero burger? Well, I'll let the Carlsbad Tavern explain:

WARNING - HOT! Our Habanero Burger May Cause Temporary Blindness or Loss of Hearing The habanero cheeseburger is served with fresh ground habanero chile, mixed with lean ground beef, grilled and topped with melted jalapeno cheese. Served with fries, salad and a free glass of milk.

So how does that taste? Don't ask me, man -- I usually have the enchiladas. But if you eat the habanero burger, as they say, you'll never need to prove your courage in any human endeavor again.

• First Watch, multiple locations

Nothing's more important before a hard day of sitting out in the sun and watching baseball players practice than a good breakfast. And I always enjoy the breakfasts served up at First Watch, which has four locations throughout the Phoenix-Scottsdale area.

Wait a minute... multiple locations? That's a CHAIN, Michales! I thought you didn't eat at chains! You're nothing more than a damn hypocrite!

Well, that's true. I thought that would be apparent by now.

And look: I'm not opposed to all chains -- just the ones that serve bland, unadventurous food so that timid diners in Missouri have the same forgettable meal served up in Oregon or Alabama or anywhere else that people fear flavor.

First Watch doesn't do that -- they offer tasty meals that appear to make some use of the local ingredients. (My wife enjoyed some french toast with prickly pear syrup for breakfast last year, and I'm pretty sure that's not on the menu at Denny's).

If all chains offered food as delicious as what First Watch does, I wouldn't be so vehemently anti-franchise. But they don't, and so I am.

• Honey Bear's BBQ, three locations.

Yes, it's another chain. But this one is limited to the Phoenix area only. And it's barbecue -- Tennessee smoked barbecue -- so that should count for something. Honey Bear's also gets points for having the second-best slogan of any restaurant in Phoenix ("You don't need no teeth to eat our meat..."). What's the best slogan, you ask? Why that belongs to...

• Caramba Fresh Mexican Food, Glendale

For the slogan: "Where you do not peso much." Get it?

Seriously, the prices at this Mexican food restaurant -- up the road apace from the Peoria Sports Complex -- are a remarkable value. You can get a burrito the size of your head for a little less than $5.

The actual size of the burrito may be somewhat of an exaggeration.

Where to Stay

I'm really not the best person to ask about hotel accommodations. I have this theory -- and unlike the dining-out-in-strange-cities theory I don't expect others to subscribe to this one -- that it is ridiculous to lay out much dinero for a hotel room when the primary activity you'll be using it for is sleeping for six to eight hours. I mean, if you're going to be holed up in the hotel room for a lot of the day, go wild -- make sure you've got a swimming pool and a mini-bar and a mint on the pillow. But if you're going to be out for the vast majority of the day, why pay up for amenities you're never going to use?

That's the way I look at it, anyhow. Reasonable people can disagree. I'm married to one of them, as a matter of fact, which can sometimes make planning a trip as fraught with intrigue and danger as the U.S.-Soviet arms talks in the 1970s.

So basically, I look for three things when I book a hotel room:

* Is it clean?
* Is the bed comfortable?
* Is there a reasonable expectation of making it through the night without getting my throat slit?

It's also nice if there's a cable TV.

So when it comes to spring training, I try to keep the nightly room rate between $45 and $70. If you feel the same way, then I can vouch for the Super 8 Motel on Black Canyon Highway or the Motel 6 in Tempe. And if you feel differently, well, that's why the Good Lord invented Expedia.

No, really. I'm almost certain He did.

What to Do... Other Than Baseball, I Mean

I like zoos. I really like nicely organized zoos. And the Phoenix Zoo is a nicely organized one. (And just up the road from Phoenix Municipal, if you're in to multi-tasking). It's a modern zoo with natural habitats -- the animals have plenty of room to room and aren't cramped up in cages that make you feel like you're watching some all-mammal production of Stalag 17.

The author, menaced by a giant cardboard snake

I enjoy the occasional round of golf -- if wildly flailing at the ball and driving it 20 yards a swing can accurately be described as golf. The only place I've ever played in the greater Phoenix area is Glen Lakes Municipal Golf Course, a nine-hole course out in Glendale with ridiculously inexpensive greens fees. I've been meaning to try some of Phoenix's municipal golf courses like Papago and Maryvale. Maybe this is the year to finally do that.

And of course, because I'm a shallow, silly man, when I'm not busy watching baseball, I'm watching other sports. I've seen my share of Arizona State basketball games at the Wells Fargo Arena and one of these days, I should really wander on over to watch the Sun Devils baseball team. I usually try to take in a hockey game as well, but I get the impression that's not going to be an option this go-round.

It's the sport Gary Bettman doesn't want you to see

As for night life, well, I can't help you there. My idea of a fun evening is retiring to my hotel room to catch up on my reading or see if there's a good movie on Turner Classic. Clubs, bars, night spots for the young and beautiful? Not really my scene.

OK, there is one nightlife anecdote I can tell you, though it reflects very poorly on me and my upbringing. Naturally, I figured readers here will find it delightful.

There's a store on Scottsdale Road called Zorba's Adult Shop, which sells the sort of wares you might expect. (What? Adults? Uh... exactly, mom.) Anyhow, in my overactive imagination, I envisioned that you'd walk in the store and be overpowered by the smell of gyros, that bouzouki music would play nearly continuously, and that the staff would all be effusive and aggressively friendly and prone to breaking out into spontaneous festive dances on the countertops. So after years of driving past Zorba's on my assorted rounds across the desert, my curiosity finally got the better of me and I went inside.

It... wasn't really like that inside at all.

Other Stuff

That's about all I got. I can't emphasize how enjoyable spring training is, other than to note that images like this...

... are a great way to escort Ol' Man Winter out the door. Whether you drive or fly, you owe it to yourself as a baseball fan to take at least one trip out to spring training.

And if you do happen to drive, you can stop and pose for pictures at the greatest highway sign ever erected, just outside Blythe, California, on Interstate 10.

Aw, c'mon... where's your sense of adventure?

To your list of culinary establishments, allow me to add Richardson's on Bethany Home in Phoenix. Excellent, excellent New Mexican food with that seedy naugahyde'n'smoke ambience that always adds to the enjoyment of a meal. There tends to be a wait, so I recommend going when you have an hour to kill enjoying a frosty refreshment or eight at the bar.

And conveniently located off the 51, too...

I find your ideas intriguing, and wish to subscribe to your newsletter!

Nice read... couple additional thoughts... you really should try Rolling Hills golf course; it's a short 18 in Tempe right across the street from SRP and, as a result, even closer to Phoenix Muni than Papago. Nice course, reasonable muni rates.

Restaurant suggestions are a dime a dozen -- I'll add my 0.83 cents worth and suggest any one of the Oregano's pizza/pasta locations -- crowded, sure, but not as crowded as Pizzeria Bianco.

And I like Scottsdale Stadium much more than Hohokam (I think the parking/exiting in Mesa is even worse). But it's your blog.

Enjoy your trip.

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