Idiots Write About Sports

Thanks to my work schedule, I find myself spending time in the Bay Area for the second time in three weeks, stalling the grand total of nights that I’ve slept in my own bed since April 25 at seven. (Oh, Rambling Man, when will you settle down?) On the bright side, this will give me the opportunity to take in another home game at the Oakland Coliseum, if watching a team that’s apparently allergic to scoring runs can be considered a bright side.

Another bonus: because the opponent on tonight’s schedule is the self-same Yankees team re-energized by pummelling the A’s last weekend, I will get to engage in the greatest tradition in all of sport — booing Jason Giambi until he cries. I’ve never really gotten into my theory on why all right-thinking A’s fans owe it to themselves and their self-respect to heap torrents of abuse upon our one-time MVP, and I’m not going to get into it now because it’s not really germane to the discussion. Suffice it to say, it’s not because he left Oakland but because of the classless manner in which he blew town. Tejada? You cheer for him. Dye? Izzy? Damon? A round of polite applause is not out of line. Foulke? Stoney silence that can be mistaken for indifference. But Giambi? Boo! Boo!

Speaking of people who deserve to be booed, Skip Bayless considers the sad fate of Jason Giambi in today’s column. I have a list of Web sites, writers, and blogs that I steadfastly refuse to read, visit, or otherwise patronize because they offer nothing except the chance for me to become irrationally irritated at their non-sensical rantings — for a complete list, send a self-addressed, stamped envelop to Philip Michaels, c/o the Department of Bile in Spiteville, USA — and, really, Bayless should be at the top of the list. But I couldn’t resist clicking on the link today to see what idiocies Bayless might spew forth, and, with quotes like the following, how can I claim to be disappointed:

That’s why Giambi needs to escape the $80 million trap in which he’s now caught at Yankee Stadium. Now, he is Sampson shorn, literally and figuratively. George Steinbrenner’s rules require him to cut his hair and shave. Presumably, baseball’s new steroid policy has taken away much of his physical and psychological edge.

Giambi’s only hope is to admit defeat and negotiate a buyout of the nearly $80 million the Yankees owe him for four more seasons. You know what, Jason? Fifty cents on the dollar would provide a pretty fair nest egg.

Giambi’s only hope is to return to a small-market team for minimum wage. A team like … Oakland, where the Yankees play this weekend.

There are many, many problems with Skip’s article, not the least of which is referencing Jose Canseco’s Juiced like he’s quoting passages from The Gospel of St. Luke. (This might come as a great shock to Skip, but it’s possible that Jose Canseco may not be the most reliable author when it comes to fact-based reportage.) But the biggest problem is his failure to address the one question that deflates his entire argument:

Who says Oakland would want him back?

I’m not talking about the fans, who would likely be fairly uncharitable toward the man who crapped all over them on national TV before the ink was dry on his new Yankee contract. I’m looking at this from the perspective of fielding a competitive baseball team that has an eye on playoff contention a season from now, assuming that it’s not too early to write off this year just yet. What does the 2005 edition of Jason Giambi bring to the table that would benefit the Oakland Athletic Baseball Club? Eyes on your own paper, Skip — please answer now.

Why not see if the A’s, who are struggling to score, would take a low-risk shot with him? He might help them at the gate, and they might help him at the plate.

Oh, I’m sorry, Skip. The correct answer is nothing. I also would have accepted “nada” or “jack and/or shit.”

As of this writing, Jason Giambi’s batting, on-base, and slugging percentages for this season are .195/.386/.325. That batting average is better than only three Oakland players’ — Keith Ginter, Adam Melhuse, and Charles Thomas. It’s the same as the average for Eric Chavez, who, I think we can agree, couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat right now. This is the guy who’s going to fire up our offense? How, Skip? By reminding us things could always be worse?

What’s more, if the A’s are unhappy with the work being turned in at first base and designated hitter — really, only positions Giambi could fill in his current, dessicated state — and they’re ready to take a flyer on someone, they could always place a call to Sacramento for Dan Johnson. He does have a Pacific Coast League MVP award to his name and has resumed mashing the ball this season.

I know it’s a tough choice — Should I go with the 34-year-old broken-down guy at the center of the biggest scandal in baseball right now or the 25-year-old who’s about to enter the prime of his career and still has a chance to amount to something? — but if you take a moment to consider the two options, I think the answer is so clear even a simpleton like Skip Bayless might be able to piece it together.

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: when did ESPN drop the requirement that its writers and analysts actually know something about sports? Fortunately, the A’s front office seems to have more stringent hiring practices, so it looks like the Giambi Returns storyline will be confined to witless articles from clueless hacks.

Heh. I love how dramatic and poetic those sportswriters can get. Oakland surely does not want Jason Giambi back, as you pointed out so gracefully. As a fan, I hope Chavy can pull out of this quickly, but I've always liked him. We don't need to wait for another expensive slugger to find his swing.

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