Idiots Write About Sports

I am probably the last person in the world to stumble across this item that appeared in USA Today Sports Weekly. In large part this is because my Sports Weekly issues, which have a Wednesday cover date, have not been showing up on Wednesday; the issue containing this particular item arrived in my mailbox on Saturday, which is a fairly liberal definition of “weekly.” Fortunately, the issue still largely covers sports so at least one part of the publication’s title remains accurate. Still, perhaps changing the name to USA Today Sports Fortnightly or USA Today Sports Whenever We Get Around to Mailing It would be a more accurate title.

I seem to have wandered off topic. Let’s see… oh yes, the item! I’ll quote it here in its entirety, in part because the Web site for USA Today Baseball and Football Every 10 Days or So is not the most elegantly designed in the world and also in part because I am irritated at the publication’s haphazard delivery schedule. In case that wasn’t readily apparent.

The situation called for just a single, a line drive anywhere, and the A’s would win the game. But Nick Swisher admited he was trying to hit the ball 500 feet in the June 15 game, and he ended up striking out.

The lack of a good two-strike approach wasn’t lost on anybody, even country music star Kenny Chesney.

Before his concert the next day at the Coliseum Arena, Chesney threw out the first pitch of the A’s game and autograph a ball for Swisher that read: “Nick, nice two-strike approach.”

Inspired by one of his favorite singers, Swisher hit a two-strike home run in the second inning that game, his first homer in 117 at-bats dating to April 13.

“I’m trying to simplify things and not do too much,” Swisher said. “Everybody always talks about ‘letting the game come to you.’ I still don’t know what they are talking about, but I think I understand what they mean.”

I am not terribly familiar with Kenny Chesney’s work. In fact, up until a few month’s ago, I thought his name was Kenny Cheesy until someone angrily corrected me. I have heard two of Mr. Chesney’s songs. One, I stumbled across on one of those cross-California drives where the wife and I were desperately trying to find an A’s game on the AM band but came across modern-day country music instead. In this song, Mr. Chesney was singing to his beloved about how they didn’t need to go out to someplace fancy to enjoy each other’s company and should spend the evening eating Domino’s Pizza instead — a sentiment that struck my wife and I, urbane Left Coast elitists that we are, as stark and depressing. (I mean, seriously, Kenny — there’s not a local pizzeria in your hometown that serves tastier than the flavorless communion wafers dipped in tomato sauce that passes for pizza at your local Domino’s?) The other Kenny Chesney song that I’ve heard is a Christmas ballad I bought off the iTunes Music Store for the sole purpose of putting on a CD of terrible Christmas music that I hand out to friends each holiday season.

So it seems like I will not be attending a Kenny Chesney concert anytime soon.

Still, while Mr. Chesney’s brand of bland, indistinguishable country music may not be to my taste, results are results. His words of wisdom have apparently motivated Nick Swisher who has clubbed five home runs in his last eight games and raised his average from a meager .225 prior to The Chesney Incident to .241. One can only conclude that Kenny Chesney has reached Nick Swisher in a way that Oakland hitting coach Dave Hudgens has not.

The course of action is clear, especially for a think-outside-the-box kind of GM like Billy Beane: add Kenny Chesney to the coaching staff. He can work the same magic he used on Nick Swisher to help other A’s batters improve. And the more time he’s instructing Dan Johnson and Marco Scutaro on adjusting to pticher counts and hitting the ball to the opposite field, the less time he’ll have for pop songs about the romantic powers of Domino’s pizza.

Frankly, everyone wins in that arrangement.

"there’s not a local pizzeria in your hometown that serves tastier than the flavorless communion wafers dipped in tomato sauce that passes for pizza at your local Domino’s"

That reminded me of a wierd dream I once had. I dreamt I was at church. As I got to the top of the line to receive communion, the priest handed me a slice of pizza and said "The Body of Christ, with cheese and tomato sauce."

And I said "Amen."

Which reminds _me_ of that "Family Guy" episode where Jesus turns water... into _funk_.

Or how about this Family Guy classic

Peter: Father, is this really the blood of Christ?

Priest: Yes it is, my son!

Peter: Wow! This guy must have been really wasted!

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