Idiots Write About Sports

8:31 p.m.: Used to be that I couldn’t watch an All-Star game without keeping score at home, thus cementing my reputation as the Saddest Man on Planet Earth. For about three innings or so, my scoresheet would resemble a normal box score. By the end of the game, after all the substitutions, it resembled some sort of cross between a hostage note and a cryptic rune carved by an ancient with particularly bad handwriting.

And as frustrating as keeping score of an All Star Game may have been, it turns out that it’s infinitely more rewarding than writing a live blog of the contest.

Good night, everybody.

8:25 p.m.: As noted in this space earlier, it looks this year’s All Star Game will come and go without an appearance by Justin Duchsherer.

I only hope the rioting fans are quickly subdued by the authorities before too much damage is done to life and property.

[Edited to Add: After glancing at Bob Wickman, it is entirely possible that the Cleveland reliever ate Justin Duchsherer after growing peckish while waiting to come into the game.]

8:14 p.m.: I’m about 14 minutes behind the live broadcast, because Joe Buck took a break from kissing Kenny Rogers’ ass to announce that it was 11 o’clock on the East Coast. When you consider the fact that last year’s home run derby wrapped up around 11:30 Detroit time, you cannot help but ask the oft-pondered question: shouldn’t Major League Baseball be the least bit interested in making sure its marquee events conclude well before the witching hour?

Bud Selig and his crew are always monkeying with baseball to try and boost the interest of the casual fan. (Hence, the ongoing campaign to convince a dubious public that the game we are watching counts for something, among other atrocities.) But I would submit that the casual fan might take a greater interest in the sport if he or she could be convinced that the game would not wind up pre-empting “The Late, Late Show.”

Or to put it more bluntly: why wait until 8 p.m. Eastern to start the pregame froo-foo (which only means that the first pitch won’t cross the plate until around 8:40 at the earliest)? Why not wrap up all the pregame blather, the player introductions, and superfluous Bad News Bears promos between 7 and 8? Sure, it would mean that you’d have to ditch the ridiculous red-carpet pregam show, but I think the republic will stand.

8:02 p.m.: Fox curbs its impulse to cut away for more ads after the top of the seventh so that it can show us the live performance of “God Bless America.” Still waiting on that “O Canada” replay.

7:52 p.m.: Tim McCarver picks up Kevin Kennedy’s let-bygones-be-bygones theme vis-a-vis Kenny Rogers, noting that the hotheaded idiot pitcher held a press conference against his lawyers’ advice.

Only problem with that line of thought, Tim, is that at most press conferences, the press are allowed to actually ask questions.

Hearing McCarver and Buck offer mealey-mouthed sentiments about Rogers, I can’t help but wonder: whatever happened to taking clear stands on something? Would it kill anyone employed by Fox — or ESPN, for that matter — to say, “You know what? This guy’s a jerk and a bully and a coward. He has no more business being at an All-Star Game than any violent thug. The Texas Rangers should be embarrassed he remains in their employ just like Major League Baseball should be embarrassed that its system for meting out punishment is so limp, that a jackass like Rogers can sully what should be a showcase event.”

It’s sentiments like this that keep me off the airwaves, I believe. That, and because I look as unpleasant as I sound.

I couldn’t be happier to see Andruw Jones end the AL’s shutout at Rogers’ expense.

7:40 p.m.: Dontrelle Willis in the house! Alameda representing!

Prior to our forced relocation to SoCal, the wife and I lived quite happily for four years in Alameda (with the first year overlapping Dontrelle’s senior year at Encinal High). Should the fates conspire in our favor, we hope to move back to Alameda post-haste.

I mention this because a few months ago, Ken Arneson had a post on his much-better-than-this-one Weblog in which he expressed his incredulity at a reporter’s description of thoroughly middle-class Alameda as a “hardscrabble” city.

Hey, man, I hope to buy a house in Alameda on an editor’s salary. If some know-nothing reporter wants to describe the town as “hardscrabble” — or if Tim McCarver wants to characterize it as “the inner-city” as he just did — I thoroughly endorse their campaign to keep property values from skyrocketing.

In fact, as I type this, Mark Teixeira has just taken Dontrelle deep to give the AL a 7-0 lead. See that, Alameda homeowners? If you continue to live in this hardscrabble, inner-city hellhole, your children will grow up to surrender dingers on national TV. Sell! Sell! Sell your homes at below market value!

7:33 p.m.: Warning! Warning! We are opening the second beer. It gets a little blue from this point on, folks.

7:27 p.m.: Joe Buck, still trying to shill MLB’s “This Time It Counts” nonsense: “[Home-field advantage in the World Series] certainly is an advantage and definitely something that worked in the Red Sox favor last October.”

Yeah, that home-field advantage really played a role in that four-game sweep, what with Boston winning as many games in St. Louis as they won at Fenway.

Save the shilling for Budweiser, Joe.

7:19 p.m.: In case you missed the news today, Major League Baseball announced that the All-Star Game will go back to rotating the host venue between the two leagues in 2008. (Pittsburgh hosts next year’s game, followed by San Franciscon in 2007.)

So the question on the floor: what city will be named the 2008 All-Star Game host when Baseball makes its decision later this year? Unlike the National League teams, which seem to open a new stadium every month, the building boom in AL cities has cooled as of late. Comerica Park, the site of this year’s game was the last new AL park to open, and that was four seasons or so ago.

If I had to wager, I’d put my money on either Yankee Stadium — get one last All-Star Game in there before George Steinbrenner puts the deposit down on the wrecking ball — or Anaheim or Los Angeles or wherever it is the Angels claim to play these days. Yeah, Anaheim hosted the All-Star Game as recently as 1989, but Angels Stadium has undergone considerable renovations since then. Plus, Arte Moreno is one of Bud’s favored owners, so you figure that has to count for something.

I think can safely cross Oakland off the list, don’t you?

7:13 p.m.: Fan interference on the double hit by Brian Roberts’ alien doppelganger. Wonder if security will toss the guy sitting in the fat-cat seat for reaching onto the field of play?

I don’t think I’ll hold my breath.

7:07 p.m: So if this game counts — the first baseline seems to argue that it does — why does Jim Edmonds not slide hard into second to break up the double play and give the Nationals runners on first and third with only one out? Instead, Edmonds peels off and the AL records a 6-4-3 double play to help them escape the fourth without any damage.

Just a little riddle for Bud and the boys in marketing to ponder.

7:01 p.m.: Roy Oswalt has given up two runs in the third — is it too late to change my selection in MLB’s 32nd Man Vote — and is now facing Vladimir Guerrero. Which leads me to ask the question I always pose whenever I watch an Angels game: why would a pitcher even throw the ball anywhere near the strike zone when Guerrero’s at the plate? I’m waiting for the day when some crafty pitcher decides to bounce his pitch toward home plate like he’s bowling a cricket ball, since Vlad’s just as likely to swing at it as not.

Probably would smoke it for a double, too.

6:50 p.m.: On the off chance you were wondering what was the deal with that HHRYA banner out in left field that McCarver and Joe Buck were marvelling over — “I don’t know what that sign means,” says McCarver, “but hooray is the first thing to come to my mind” — it’s a contest Web site for a particularly unattractive Chevrolet vehicle. And a Web site that takes the entire at bats of Johnny Damon and Alex Rodriguez to load at that.

Just in case you were wondering, I have never felt like a bigger corporate tool than when I typed in that URL.

6:41 p.m.: “That’s why they’re All Stars,” Tim McCarver says, as Carlos Beltran hits a Bartolo Colon pitch just far enough past Brian Roberts to get an infield single. “It may sound trite.”

You know what, Tim? It really does.

By the way, I’ve set a land-speed record for Fastest Case of Regret for Deciding to Do a Live Blog when a wrong turn on Pershing led to a traffic jam and turned the simple act of food retrieval into a test of wills between me and every other driver in Playa Del Rey. Fortunately, I am now enjoying a beer, which means this blog is about to get a lot more interesting or I’m going to care a whole lot less if it is.

6:14 p.m.: And with the alien lifeform currently occupying Brian Roberts’ body flying out to Carlos Beltran to end the second, it is time to head down to a local eatery to pick up the food that will sustain me during this foolhardy and fruitless venture.

Come to my rescue, mighty TiVo buffer!

6:09 p.m.: It’s the bottom of the second and we’ve already had our first substitutions in this game that’s so consequential the groundscrew has etched “This Time It Counts” up the first base line. Luis Castillo is in the game for starting second baseman Jeff Kent (who is nursing a tender hammy). And John Smoltz has replaced Chris Carpenter (who had no business starting the game over Clemens and Willis anyhow).

Smoltz is immediately greeted by Miguel Tejada who shows why he shouldn’t have been left out of last night’s tedious home-run derby by jacking Smoltz’s second pitch to left field.

“Did Miggy do something good?” my wife asks.

“He hit a home run,” I say.

“Hooray for The Miguel,” she says without a touch of irony.

Do you see why I have no plans to forget our anniversary next month?

5:50 p.m.: Nice touch by Fox to actually broadcast the moment of silence out of respect for last week’s London terrorist attacks. Of course, before we go congratulating the network on its new international bent, let us also point out Fox’s continued insistence on cutting to a commercial when the Canadian national anthem is played.

Why the animus for Canada, Fox? Is “O Canada” not martial enough for you? Did a drunken Pierre Trudeau once accost Rupert Murdoch at a cocktail party? Or do Fox executives think that if they air the Canadian anthem, they’ll just have to show the anthems for the other 50 states?

Whatever the reason, it sticks out like a sore thumb, particularly at a time when Major League Baseball is trying to emphasize its global appeal. So give “O Canada” its just and proper air time, Fox… at least, until the Toronto Blue Jays are forcibly moved to Las Vegas.

5:27 p.m.: For me, player introductions are always the big highlight of every All-Star Game. Because it affords me the perfect opportunity to play the game that’s sweeping America: Who Will the Crowd Boo?

Usually, it’s pretty straight-forward — the fiercest boos are directed at any players unfortunate enough to represent the hated rival of the host city, anyone wearing pinstripes, and Barry Bonds.

Bonds isn’t at this year’s game, and if anyone had any discouraging words for the White Sox, Twins, and Indians on the field, it was drowned out by polite, subdued applause from the hometown fans. The Yankee representatives were treated to the usual catcalls, with the fiercest booing inexplicably reserved for Mariano Rivera with only tepid booing for noted patriot Gary “My season is when I get paid” Sheffield.

Oh, and it appears Kenny Rogers did something to rile up the crowd.

Rogers was booed loudly and longly by Comerica Park, a much more heartening showing than the one turned in by the Texas Rangers fans who cheered lustily on Saturday night for their thuggish ace. (Then again, Texans aren’t necessarily known for being the most discriminating bunch when it comes to who to cheer.)

Of course, if pregame host Kevin Kennedy is to be believed, we should feel very silly booing a stand-up guy like Kenny Rogers, who not only took the time out of his busy schedule to read an insincere apology from a sheet of legal paper but also appeared at the media day yesterday to face withering questions from the attack dog media along the lines of “How do you feel about people not wanting you to appear at this game?”

“Let’s move on,” Kennedy said.

Boy, would I like to use that approach the next time in my life. Let’s say, I forget my wedding anniversary next month. I figure that my wife would be pretty steamed if that happens. Under the Kevin Kennedy rapproachment plan, all I have to do is read a canned apology — without my wife even being in the room! — and if she doesn’t immediately welcome me back into her loving embrace, then she’s the jerk!

Let’s move on, indeed!

5:06 p.m: I enjoy the All-Star Game, I honestly do. Ultimately, the game doesn’t matter no matter how much Baseball’s marketing monkeys try and convince you otherwise. And the assertion that this contest brings together the best players in the game is laughable on its face — you’re telling me that Justin Duchsherer, Dannys Baez, and Brian Fuentes are among the best players in the game today and not here just because someone mandated that an Athletic, Devil Ray, and Rockie needed to be among the proceedings?

But in the end, who cares about those insignificant gripes? It’s a baseball game featuring reasonably talented and interesting players. I like watching baseball games. And so, I’m going to watch this one, even if it has the same lasting import as a spring training contest between the Phillies and the Indians.

And since I’m already watching the game, I figured I’d post blog entries as they came to me — lucky you. At least until I get bored and run out of things to say — lucky me.

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