Idiots Write About Sports

With the media frenzy surrounding Rafael Palmeiro’s alleged steroid abuse and ten-game suspension, it’s easy to lose sight of the critical importance of the issue. Rather than fixate on the allegations, the denials, and the pathetic posturing of Congress, we should all take a step back and remember the real victims here.

When steroids taint professional sports, it’s not the athletes’ health that suffers the most, nor is it the purity of the sport. The hardest impact is felt by those who look up to the players.

No, not the kids. Screw the kids. Little bastards can shoot up all day, for all I care.

I’m more worried about Palmeiro’s wife.

We already know that Raffy is popping Viagra left and right, apparently just for the hell of it. Now, word comes out that he may be regularly using Stanozolol, an anabolic steroid which lists as a common side effect, “frequent or continuing erections.” Given Palmeiro’s drug cocktail (so to speak), we can assume that those ten games aren’t the only suspension he’s carrying.

We can also assume that his wife must look up to him a lot. Probably six or seven times a day. Can this poor woman even walk anymore?

Worse still, since another common side effect of Stanozolol is, “Enlargement of breasts or breast soreness,” he’s probably also been borrowing her bras. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get infield dirt out of silk? Especially when you’re afraid to bend over the washing machine?

The next time you’re at a game and you see Rafael’s wife sitting in the players’ wives section of the stands — she’ll be the one perched gingerly on one of those butt donuts — give her a friendly little wave to let her know that you feel for her. Don’t feel bad if she doesn’t wave back. Her arm’s probably pretty sore.

But Mrs. Palm-arrow is not the only one who’s taken a pounding from Rafael’s dirty little secret. Many, many others have felt or will soon feel the sting of Raffy’s big, juiced, wooden bat. Here are just a few that are worthy of your pity:

• The Baltimore grounds crew, who must pull double shifts to repair the grooves Palmeiro carves into the basepaths every time he does a head-first slide.
  
• Clubhouse handyman “Balpene” Joe Gordon, so nicknamed because he’s the guy who has to hammer all the little dents out of Raffy’s locker.
  
• Anyone who shares an elevator with Palmeiro, only to discover that they’ll be making unnecessary stops at floors 6 through 14.
  
• Raffy’s cup. Never has a flimsy slip of plastic and latex been asked to do so much.
  
• The cowboy from The Village People, whose uncanny resemblence to Palmeiro means that he’ll be unable to go anywhere without hearing derisive shouts of “steeeeeerrrrroids!” On the other hand, everyone he meets will also assume he’s packing a huge boner, so that one’s probably a wash.
  
• Raffi, who hasn’t had a bona fide hit since 1980’s Baby Beluga, which, coincidentally, was a song about a sperm whale.
  
• You, me, and every other poor fool with an e-mail address. You can expect those “No More Weak Pop Ups. Make Her Choke Up Tonight With 5tan0z0lol!” messages to start flooding your inbox any day now. So to speak.
  

That was hysterical.

Hey, thanks Vic! Like I always say, nothing brightens a room like a string of juvenile dick jokes.

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