Idiots Write About Sports

I’m a big fan of the MLB on XM Satellite Radio ad that airs nearly continuously during Major League Baseball telecasts this season. Not a big enough fan to actually purchase XM Satellite Radio, but still, it’s a good ad. Clever, memorable, and it features “Why Can’t We Be Friends,” which, for my money, is the best use of any War song in a Muppet Show sketch ever. Why Crazy Harry never captured my generation’s imagination is, quite frankly, inexplicable to me.

A point? Why yes, I happen to have one.

Anyhow, if you haven’t seen the commercial — and again, just watch a couple of innings of any baseball game on TV and you’ll eventually stumble across it — it features fans of Major League Baseball teams running into their mortal enemies in a variety of social settings, only to find that the one thing that they do have in common is a subscription to XM Satellite Radio service. There’s a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan glaring at each other across their property line. There’s a backyard barbecue that threatens to turn into a full scale blood feud between Dodger and Giant fans. In the extended dance remix version of the commercial, there’s a man and woman jogging from opposite directions on the beach who might have found romance together, had he not been a Met fan and she a Phillie partisan. And there’s an Angel fan at the airport giving a textbook definition of The Stinkeye to Cal Ripken Jr., dressed in full Oriole gear. Only after the Iron Man flashes his XM Satellite Radio player does the Angel fan deign to give a reluctantly friendly wave to the most beloved baseball player of my lifetime.

This last part of the ad raises a number of burning questions, not the least of which is: does Cal Ripken really travel in his old Orioles gear? Because if he does, that’s kind of sad — not nearly as sad as if he were to walk around in a T-shirt reading, “Why, Yes — I Am Cal Ripken Jr.” but sad, nonetheless.

A more pressing question — and one that has haunted me ever since the ad first began airing: are the Angels and Orioles such fierce rivals that Anaheim fans are actually prepared to throw down with Cal Ripken Jr. by an airport luggage carrousel? Are emotions still that raw between fans of the two teams 26 years after their one and only postseason confrontation that it makes the current troubles in the Middle East look like a simple misunderstanding? Really?

A couple weeks ago, Baltimore paid a visit to Angel Staidum of Anaheim, and I’m not ashamed to tell you, I steered well clear of Orange County for those three days, lest I get caught in the middle of the rioting and mayhem that must surely result when these two ancient rivals meet. And I have to tell you, I was a little disappointed to hear that the bloodshed prophesied in the XM Satellite Radio ad never materialized. It’s as if the Orioles and Angels aren’t really mortal enemies at all.

Seriously, I understand XM’s desire to feature both teams from the vast Los Angeles market in its television advertising. But if the ad wizards were so desperate to conjure up a hated foe for the Angels, might I suggest they cast their gaze just a couple hundred miles north?

I, myself, have never really gotten that worked up about the Angels outside of their shitty, shitty TV broadcasters. Sure, there’s the geographic convenience of having a nemesis that’s less than a day’s drive away, but apart from this current season, last year, and 2002, the A’s and Angels haven’t ever bothered to be competitive at the same time. Me, I direct far more angry glances in the direction of the Red Sox, Yankees, and even the Mariners, who — despite their current sad state of affairs — have been Oakland’s chief rival for AL West supremacy in four of the past six seasons.

But I’m apparently in the minority when it comes to working myself into a tizzy over our supposedly hated rivals to the South. When otherwise mild-mannered men are moved to unleash all manner of invective about the sainted lads in Green and Gold, then I guess it’s a rivalry — certainly a fiercer one than Cal Ripken Jr. and his crappy little XM Satellite Radio player have to offer.

Hey, if it gets us our rightful place in a TV ad, I’m willing to play along. So… um… how about that Rally Monkey, huh? I’d really like to kick his ass in a back-alley bar fight. And Chone Figgins? Boy, don’t even get me started on that guy.

Yeah, it’s just not taking. Sorry.

That always bothered me about that ad, too. I guess that's what happens when your pitchman doesn't have any rivals.

Watching from the other side of the Mississippi, I just presumed it was an MLB/Angelos deal to deny the existance of the Nationals, or at least as a team worthy to be the O's rival. It's not a clean divisional feud, but it's a lot closer than wherever the Angels play at the moment.

But now I'm thinking the Angel Fan is maybe the same Angel Fan from the early season Fans Who Love This Game and they wanted to shoehorn him in there somehow?

Perhaps, N. But assuming his a Fan Who Loves This Game, why is he picking a fight with Cal Ripken of all people? "Damn you, Cal Ripken, with your positive values and admirable work ethic! I'll get you yet!" It just makes no sense.

Damn, and here I was all working on focusing my hate:

http://mattwelch.com/archives/week_2005_08_14.html#003222

You should have had the Angels guy from the XM ad throw out the first pitch at every one of the Red Sox games this weekend, Rob. That man gives a mighty powerful stinkeye.

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