Idiots Write About Sports

The theory came to me Tuesday night, just as Ben Broussard put a Jay Witasick pitch over the center field wall to tie up the A’s-Indians game. The Athletics had been leading 2-0 after six, Kirk Saarloos was cruising, the Cleveland batters were helpless and then… well, somewhere along the way Ken Macha decided that 87 pitches was enough from Saarlos that night. And before you could say “Oh, crap” — something you hear a lot of around the Michaels homestead when Jay Witasick is brought into games that aren’t already foregone conclusions one way or the other — Witasick gave up a hard single and the Broussard homer. After that, Broussard’s three-run shot in the eighth felt like a foregone conclusion.

Anyway, my theory: you know how the manager of a team fields questions from beat writers and other assembled media types in his office after the game? I think, that in addition to the working press, there should also be a designated fan who is permitted to attend these Q&A sessions and ask questions along with the reporters. Ideally, this fan would be well-informed about his teams strengths and weaknesses, able to pose probing, well-thought out inquiries… and belligerent to the point that the manager should wonder whether he should have to hire food tasters to carefully vet the post-game spread.

This isn’t to imply that the beat writers are somehow falling down on the job or not asking the tough questions — far from it. It’s just that professional decorum along the dictates of the gig prevent them from putting the questions to the manager as… um… forcefully as we, the paying customers, might in their position.

Oh sure, we get to boo and grouse in Internet chat rooms and generally denounce the manager to anyone who will give us the time of day. But the manager can tune all that stuff out. Heck, even 30,000 people booing your every twitch and move winds up sounding like Miss Othmor giving one of the Peanuts gang a talking-to.

Ah, but put that same manager in a locker room with just one of those belligerent fans, and things change considerably. Then, there is accountability. There is a moment of reckoning. And those boneheaded decisions you would normally make without a second-thought might get another going-over or two once you realize that, the moment the game ends, you are going to have to account for yourself to someone sputtering with barely contained who is one “we’ve just got to take things one game at a time” cliche away from throttling you.

I imagine my master plan would play out something like this.

BEAT WRITER 1: Ken, the five double plays you guys hit into tonight — that had to derail the attack.

MACHA: It really did. We’re counting on our offense to score some runs, and when they don’t, it’s really asking a lot of our pitchers.

BEAT WRITER 2: Speaking of the pitching, Ken, why pull Saarlos after the sixth?

MACHA: Kirk pitched a really good ball game, but 90, 95 pitches is about his limit this season. That, and the delay caused by the power outage, we thought he had thrown enough tonight.

BELLIGERENT FAN: Ken, question.

MACHA: Yes, Belligerent Fan?

BELLIGERENT FAN: If that’s the case, then why bring in Witasick? Surely, even you are sentient enough to see that he has no business pitching in a meaningful ballgame.

MACHA: Well, um, Jay’s come up big for us on a numbe…

BELLIGERENT FAN: For God’s sake, he has a 6.10 ERA in his last 11 appearances! He’s a walking, talking white flag! Can’t you see that? OH GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

[awkward silence]

MACHA: OK, if there are no further que…

BELLIGERENT FAN: Yes, Ken, a follow-up?

MACHA: Um…

BELLIGERENT FAN: Are you actively trying to fail, or is this one of those subconscious things where you fear success so you go about passively sabotaging yourself?

And so forth. I mean, is there a fan out there who wouldn’t want to see the manager of their favorite team on this kind of hot seat? Surely, Angels fans would love the chance to grab Mike Scioscia by the lapels of his warm-up jacket and demand to know why Steve Finley keeps finding his way into the starting lineup. You’re telling me there’s not a single Dodger fan who doesn’t have a list of pointed questions for Jim Tracy at the ready? And I’m sure Kansas City Royal fans would jump at the chance to ask Buddy Bell… um… well, why he bothers to go through the charade at this point.

Seriously — I think this idea could revolutionize baseball fandom, making us feel closer to the game than ever before. And even if it doesn’t, it certainly beats shouting obscene things about Ken Macha’s questionable cranial capacity all the way from the right field bleachers.

Saarloos.

And, Finley.

Oh, so we want properly spelled names now?

Anything else? A mint on your pillow? A crisp $50 bill slipped under your front door?

Yes. A kiss goodnight. However, since (a) Eva Longoria isn't available, and (b) I'm already married, that's right out.

Hey there, Phillip - It's K. Olchak -- Remember me??
You denied me the chance to reply to your criticism of my Pro-Rex Hudler comments?

Well Rex is pretty damn excited BECAUSE THE ANGELS JUST TOOK THE AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST!!!!!!!!!!

HaHA!

Dearest Kristin --

I don't believe I denied you the chance to do anything. Likely, you were too adled to figure out how to use the comment feature in a weblog, as evidenced by the fact that you posted the same comment three times.

Congratulations on the Angels winning the division -- based upon your powers of deductive reasoning, it sounds like you need all the happiness in your life that you can get.

Actually, I posted it four(not three) times. Maybe you were too addled to count? Clearly you need to get that last little jab, Fine.

Have fun criticizing the rest of the playoffs.You do it so well.

"Actually, I posted it four(not three) times."

You're right. Forgive me for thinking you were less incompetent than you actually are.

Actually, I believe I banned her because she's a troll who didn't even understand that you were criticizing a crappy announcer, not a team. As her return has proven, since apparently winning the AL West somehow makes Hud something other than a crappy announcer.

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