Idiots Write About Sports

You could do a lot worse, I suppose, than drag the corporeal remains of Ken Macha out of the deep freeze to manage the A’s once more…

Woozle to Manage the A’s

OAKLAND, CALIF. — The Oakland Athletics introduced their next manager Friday afternoon. He’s a Woozle and his name is Peanut.

At a hastily called press conference, the new A’s skipper — the first Woozle to ever head a major league team — sat on the knee of Oakland General Manager Billy Beane and entertained reporters with his playful banter and good-natured teasing.

“Hey, folks, it’s good to be here,” Peanut said. “Then again, when you spend half your time in a ventriloquist’s case, it’s good to be anywhere.”

Peanut beat out a crowded field of candidates to helm the A’s. Beane confirmed that the team had interviewed a potted plant, an inanimate lump of clay, Larry Bowa, and Beane’s cat, Mr. Mittens. Mittens was believed to be the front-runner for the position, given his close ties to Beane, but it was widely speculated that he may have cost himself the job by chewing up Beane’s paperback edition of Moneyball.

Mittens will be hired as the hitting coach on Peanut’s staff.

“Peanut brings the qualities I look for in a manager,” Beane said. “He buys into our philosophy, he’s a proven leader, and he has this nearly invisible cord attached to his arm that allows me to control his movements.”

“That’s easy for you to say!” Peanut cracked.

“Oh, Peanut,” said Beane, with a rueful chuckle. “Please behave in front of these nice folks.”

Peanut then explained his managerial philosophy while Beane drank a glass of water. His Oakland squad will rely on a combination of high on-base percentage and power, as favored by Beane. Asked by reporters if he might work so-called “small ball” tactics like sacrifices and hit-and-run plays into his game plan, Peanut was dismissive.

“Give away outs in a ballgame?” the Wozzle asked rhetorically. “What do I look like — a dummy?”

“Peanut!” said Beane in an exaggerated scolding tone. “You say you’re sorry to these nice folks.”

“OK,” Peanut said sarcastically. “You’re sorry to these nice folks.”

“Oh, Peanut,” Beane said. “We’re going to get along just fine.”

So you see, we really dodged a bullet there.

It seems like ventriloquists are the only people who ever refer to an audience as "these nice folks", doesn't it? Maybe Dean Martin sometimes, when he was with JErry Lewis.

"Maybe Dean Martin sometimes, when he was with JErry Lewis."

Six and one-half dozen of the other, Monty.

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