Idiots Write About Sports

Mr. Sabean welcomes you to Pacific Bell Park, the most beautiful park west of Pittsburgh.

Mr. Sabean would like you to note the performance of Mr. Bonds, the outstanding leftfielder for the Giants.

Mr. Sabean cautions you not to look directly at right field. Your eyes may be harmed by the glare from the gaping hole caused by Dustan Mohr, Michael Tucker, and Jeffrey Hammonds being signed by your defending NL West Champeens.

Mr. Sabean cautions you not to look at shortstop, where the awful hitter Neifi Perez is plying his trade. Rather, he suggests you view Ray Durham at the second sack, and Edgardo Alfonzo, who holds down third until he can be traded and replaced by Happy Pete himself, Pedro Feliz.

That sound you heard was the Giants’ window slamming shut.