Idiots Write About Sports

So I’m driving home from Marina Farms — pound-for-pound, the best produce market in the LAX area — and I’ve got the Giants-Dodger game on the radio. Rick Monday is handling the play-by-play. For those of you not aware of the Dodgers broadcasting trinity, Vin Scully is the legend, Ross Porter is the underappreciated talent, and Rick Monday is… breathing and fully sentient.

The three nicest things I can think of to say about Rick Monday: as a player, he once stopped two fans from burning an American flag in the Dodger Stadium outfield; he hit the winning home-run in the 1981 NLCS against Montreal; and, early in his career, the Oakland Athletics traded him to acquire Ken Holtzman. As a broadcaster, however, I don’t much care for him — he seems to have gotten the voice-synthesizer transplant that most bland radio play-by-play guys seem to sport nowadays, and he seems to begin every sentence with either “and” or “so,” making every game he calls sound like a nine-inning run-on sentence.

Anyhow, Rick is handling the duties in the top of the fifth, when Brett Tomko intentionally walks Shawn Green in order to pitch to Adrian Beltre — who promptly homers over the right field wall. Juan Encarnacion follows that with a homer of his own, as does backup catcher Dave Ross. For those of you scoring at home, that’s three consecutive home runs.

“And the fans here are mesmerized!” Monday exclaimed.

If you’re curious, “mesmerized” sounds a lot like booing.