Idiots Write About Sports

Tonight’s Giants game has been a horror show on so many levels that I half expect to see Vincent Price standing in the on-deck circle. Wait a second, that’s not Price. It’s the ghost of Lloyd McClendon.

It began with a bit of foreshadowing that needed only some creepy organ music: Barry Bonds, originally in the line-up, is mysteriously scratched just minutes before the game. A coincidence? You be the judge.

Just as every great horror-movie monster comes back at least once — if there’s a “The Mummy,” there will be a “Mummy Returns” — so, too, did the monster that has been stalking the Giants all season. I am referring to the Bride of Frankenstein herself, Madame Double Play. There were a few of those tonight. I’m beginning to see double plays in my nightmares.

Finally, the Pirates treated Giants fans to a spooky sight: the Parade of Former Giants Pitchers. Leading the parade was Ryan Vogelsong, who was sent away as a part of the deal that netted them Jason Schmidt. Not too scary, I’ll admit. But look who followed him to the mound: Salomon Torres himself. No more wire hangers, Salomon Dearest!

And sweeping up the elephant crap at the back of the parade was Jose Mesa.

The scariest thing of all? I didn’t even mention that the Giants lost. That ending is so predictable that you wouldn’t even find it in a horror-movie screenplay.