Idiots Write About Sports

I wouldn’t watch an NBA game if the Spurs and Lakers showed up at my front door and asked if they could play a little halfcourt in my kitchen — the last NBA game I watched from start to finish was Game Six of the 1998 finals, and I hope to keep that streak intact — but being a sports fan in Los Angeles, one can hardly avoid the surplus of Laker coverage. Today’s Los Angeles Times devotes three-fourths of the Sports Section front page to Lakers coverage, along with two and two-third pages on the inside complete with enough charts and graphs to make a Wall Street trader’s head spin. Much of the coverage in the Times focused on the Wonder of Kobe with Bill Plaschke gushing:

Yeah, it was a wild night at Staples Center, beginning with Bryant following a quiet, “not guilty” plea with a distinct ” ‘outta my way” scream.
“It was unbelievable,” said Karl Malone. “I have said it before, for what a young man like him went through and to continue to come out and do what he does is pretty incredible.”

And skipping a bit…

We’ve seen it four times this year, this return-from-court brilliance, but each time it seems new.
It’s hard to watch because of the nature of Bryant’s court case. But it’s easy to watch because of the nature of sports.

Because of the nature of Bryant’s court case. Well, that’s certainly putting things diplomatically. Because as impressive as these from-the-courthouse-to-the-Staples-Center jaunts are, it’s not exactly Willis Reed limping out onto the floor for Game Seven of the ‘70 finals.
King Kaufman at Salon frames the dilemma far better than I ever could, though it helps that he actually watches basketball.

All I want to do is sit back and marvel at the kind of game Bryant played Tuesday, revel in it, commit the best moments to memory so that 15 years from now when my kid is talking up some young’un I can say, “Well, son, let me tell you about the night Kobe Bryant hung 42 on the Spurs in the playoffs.” And he can roll his eyes and tell me he knows the story by heart.
I can’t do that because I don’t know if I’m marveling at the exploits of a rapist, which just feels wrong to me. But it also feels wrong to think of Kobe Bryant as a rapist. I have no idea, no clue, no way of knowing if he’s telling the truth that what happened last year at a Vail-area ski resort was consensual sex or if the woman is telling the truth when she says she was raped.
I’ll get a pile of letters in the next 24 hours from people who are sure that Bryant’s innocent and another pile from people who are just as sure he’s guilty. I won’t have time to respond to them all personally so if you’re about to compose that e-mail, here’s my reply: You have no way of knowing either. You think you know, but you don’t know.
I watch Bryant split a double-team and attack the basket, watch him throw in an off-balance, desperation, shot-clock-beating three, and I get that familiar feeling, that great feeling that sports can give you that you’ve just witnessed something spectacular, true excellence, real drama.
But then I think of that woman, the victim or accuser, depending on whose lawyers win the terminology skirmish, slipping into the courtroom Monday to observe Bryant’s pretrial hearing. I don’t know if she’s a victim or a perpetrator. I suppose nobody will ever know for sure except her and Bryant. But I still don’t want to be a sucker. I don’t ever want to find out that I’d been blithely enjoying the triumphs of a guy who thought he could get away with rape.

That’s the sort of nuanced look at things you won’t find over at ESPN, where Bryant’s court appearance is the setup for Dan Shanoff’s Daily Quickie:

Now that Kobe has everyone convinced — including me — that those court appearances really do elevate his game, the Lakers are toast:
Kobe doesn’t have any hearings left in this series.
The next schedule conflict (probably time to stop using that word) would happen May 27 — the middle of the conference finals — but that’s too late if the Spurs knock out the Lakers in this series.
Can’t Kobe get busted for jaywalking or littering — anything! — just so he can be scheduled for some kind of court session before Game 5 on Thursday, Game 6 on Saturday or, most important, Game 7 a week from today?

Hardee har har. I suppose it’s not worth reminding Shanoff that the court appearance Bryant made yesterday was in a case that’s a bit more serious than jaywalking or littering. If Bryant is guilty, it’s a case involving sexual assault on another human being; if he’s innocent, then it’s 11 months of having to endure his reputation being savaged and his life turned upside down. Either way, I’m not really sure it’s appropriate material for One-Liner Night down at the Chuckle Hut.
[Update: Since posting this item, I went to pick up my wife at work and turned on L.A. sports talk radio where a caller brought up many of the same points raised by Kaufman; as far as the ensuing callers were concerned, he may as well have called for the violent overthrow of the U.S. government. Ah, Los Angeles.]