Idiots Write About Sports

Among the CDs in my pitifully small collection is an album called The Main Event, a Frank Sinatra-in-concert album in which The Chairman of the Board is brought on stage after an introduction by —inexplicably — Howard Cosell. After taking 150 words to say what could have been expressed in 30, The Toupeed One begins offering shout-outs to the many high-rollers in the audience. “Celebrities are here in profusion!” Cosell screams, before pointing out that while you may not be able to score good seats to a 1974 Sinatra concert, Walter Cronkite, Carol Channing and Rex Harrison certainly can and did.

I bring this up because on Tuesday night — thanks to the eternal vigilance and thoughtfulness of my wife — I attended the Brewers-Dodgers tilt at Dodger Stadium. And not to get all Cosellian on you, but… celebrities are here in profusion!

Some time early on in the game — I want to say it was before the start of the third inning — the Dodger Stadium public address sytem began playing “That Thing You Do” from the motion picture of the same name. (Dodger Stadium used to feature organ music between innings from the priceless Nancy Bea Hefly, but the new owners have apparently decreed that Hefly will only play before the game, the National Anthem, and “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and that the rest of the time, a CD-player will churn out banal pop music. But that’s a rant for another time.)

Anyhow, as the surprisingly catchy “That Thing You Do” plays, the DiamondVision flashes up a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt in attendance at the game. And when you think about it, that’s almost as inexplicable as having Howard Cosell introduce Frank Sinatra at a live concert, since Hewitt isn’t even in the damn movie.

And apparently, I’m not the only one to feel that way. Because a few moments later, the DiamondVision cameras cut to Tom Hanks sitting in a different part of the Stadium. And while I couldn’t tell exactly what he was saying, it was clear from his body language and the gestures that he made to his seatmates that he was as mystified as me. “Wait a minute… that song’s from my movie,” Hanks seemed to be saying. “I’m at the game. Why in the hell aren’t I up on the video screen?” And, moments after catching a glimpse of the DiamondVision and seeing that he was finally up there, Hanks gave the international hand gesture for “Well, there you go.”

Funniest damn thing I’ve seen in a good long while.

Other celebrity sightings: while I was in the restroom in between innings, my wife tells me a Black Crowes number over the sound system was accompanied by a shot of the emaciated lead singer who’s married to Kate Hudson — or as I’ve come to know him, Goldie Hawn’s kid’s husband — watching the game. And after the DiamondVision broadcast that Bull Durham clip where everyone’s on the pitcher’s mound and Robert Wuhl suggests that candlesticks always make a nice gift, they cut to Robert Wuhl sitting in the crowd, and everybody cheered.

Good thing they didn’t show a clip from Arli$$, or the crowd might have been incited to tear Wuhl from limb to limb.

And the National Anthem on Tuesday was sung by Diane Franklin, whom my wife reminds me, played the part of Monique Junot in Better Off Dead, truly the crown jewel of the Savage Steve Holland canon. If you are in any way familiar with Better Off Dead, you will remember that among the things Monique wanted to do while visiting America was see a game at [goofy French accent]Dod-ger Stadium[/goofy French accent]. So having Diane Franklin sing “The Star Spangled Banner” makes a little bit of cosmic sense.

Certainly more sense than cutting to Jennifer Love Hewitt during a song from a Tom Hanks movie that she didn’t even appear in.