Idiots Write About Sports

“If you haven’t seen this yet,” trusty reader Vic writes after last week’s angry rantings about Arthur Rhodes, “I suggest you place all breakable objects out of reach before reading it.”

Oh, I read it, Vic. I read it. And without breaking anything — other than a promise to my wife not to get too worked up about the Athletics.

The article referred to by Vic is from CBS SportsLine, and in it, Arthur Rhodes manages to do something worse than merely blow ballgames or blame umpire calls for his clearly crappy pitching — blame his teammates for having the temerity to notice his clearly crappy pitching. As Arthur whined to CBS SportsLine’s Scott Miller:

We had two starters on this team say that the bullpen needs to step it up. You shouldn’t say that. You shouldn’t say that. If we lose as a team, we all lose. If we win as a team, we all win. You can’t have two starters saying that. If you’re not man enough to come to somebody on the field and tell them to do a better job, don’t say in the paper that we’re doing a bad job. … It’s one of those things where if they can do better, they can go nine innings. Let ‘em go nine innings.

Rhodes doesn’t actually name the two starters who said mean things about him, but you don’t have to be Columbo to figure out he’s talking about Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder. The Chronicle’s Susan Slusser helpfully repeats down the offending quotes that made Arthur Rhodes run to mommy and cry.

Hudson: (after Jim Mecir blew a save against the Cardinals last week) I think we need to start getting the job done. I know the guys are trying. Sometimes trying is not good enough. We’ve got to get it done, regardless.

Mulder: (after a blown save against the Cubs) I’m not going to sit here and talk [garbage] about anyone. The bullpen’s struggling. Someone’s got to step up and make good pitches. Not that Chad [Bradford] or anybody’s not making good pitches. We’re just going through a tough stretch.

Well, you can understand why Arthur is so irate. After all, you would be too after hearing such slanderous… er… inflammatory… um… innocuous… hmmm…

OK, why is Arthur so irate again?

Oh, that’s right — he’s terrible at his job and someone pointed it out to the press. Got it.

In case you don’t have time to read the full text of Arthur’s temper tantrum, there are two priceless quotes in there that give you a picture of what a mental case the A’s have under contract.

Among [Hudson and Mulder], they’ve probably got seven years in the big leagues, total. I’ve got 13. They don’t have any business saying that.

Yes, Arthur, but during their big league careers — and not to correct you, Arthur, since you obviously hate that, but this is Hudson’s fifth year and Mulder’s fourth — your two arch-enemies have delivered high-caliber performances for Oakland. During your two months in green-and-gold, all you’ve done is steal money from the A’s every time you have the effrontery to cash a paycheck without blushing.

You start throwing zeroes for two or three months, and what are they going to say then? They’ll come and kiss our butts and say we’re so much better.

Yeah, Arthur, I guess if you do start pitching better, Hudson and Mulder will come and kiss your butt. But just between you and me, I don’t think they should worry about setting aside any time on their busy schedules to do that this season.

Anyhow, the A’s had a closed-door meeting Wednesday to clear the air, and according to the Oakland Tribune, Hudson and Mulder extended the olive branch. “I didn’t mean to stir it up. It was taken the wrong way,” Hudson said. “I didn’t say anything negative. Sometimes people take things different than other people,” Mulder added. “Somebody tried to make a story out of it. … Everything is great. We’re just playing like (expletive).”

Well, that’s a start. I’m sure if we check Josh Suchon’s Tribune story, we’ll also learn that Arthur struck a conciliatory note.

Rhodes didn’t take back his comments Wednesday, reiterating nearly everything from the day before, even when the starters’ quotes were re-read to him and he was told they weren’t made maliciously. “I was just defending the bullpen,” Rhodes said. “Do you think we are trying to give up runs?”

Wow. What a jackass.

The A’s wrapped up their road trip on Thursday by beating the Anaheim Angels 2-1. (I guess Mulder took Rhodes’ advice about pitching nine innings if he thought he could do a better job than the bullpen, since Mulder turned in a complete-game gem.) Now, the A’s return home where Arthur is sure to get a welcome befitting his generous nature, if the grumblings of the locals are any indication — surely, he will be the most-vociferously booed A’s player since Oakland fans called for Jay Howell’s scalp at the 1987 All Star Game.

(I happened to be at today’s game. As is customary in the last game of a four-game set, with a day game following a night game, the A’s skipped batting practice in favor of some on-field stretching. Rhodes went through his stretches about as far down the foul line from the rest of his teammates as you can be while remaining on the same field. The only players to speak to him were Mercir, Justin Lehr and Justin Duchscherer. The moment the exercises were over, the other players either did invidual stretching or went to sign autographs or gabbeed with each other; Rhodes walked off the field and returned to the clubhouse. I reiterate: what a jackass.)

When Rhodes does return to Oakland, he’ll find himself without the closer’s job. The A’s swung a deal for Octavio Dotel tonight, presumably handing the closer’s job over to someone a tad more competent and a little bit more even-keeled. Hopefully, this marks the first step in ridding Oakland of Rhodes’ glowering countenance once and for all.

Oh, and Arthur — if it angers you that I posted this on a Weblog instead of saying it to you face to face, I apologize. Let me be the first to say I’ll happily tell you what a terrible pitcher you are to your face any time you want.

Amen, Phil. Masterfully stated as always.

While adjusting to life far far away from my beloved Athletics here in SoCal has been difficult, at least I didn't have to see Dotel blow his first save as an A.

Have you seen the reports claiming that the Astros are actually interested in Rhodes? I'm praying that Beane is piecing together a deal as we speak. Maybe Rhodes, for, I dunno, the loose change and spare paperclips Hunsicker can locate under his couch cushions. Keeping my fingers crossed...

Jason and I were talking about this yesterday in light of Rhodes' recent bout of "back spasms." (Jason thinks the newspapers accidentally printed "back" instead of "brain.") My take: apparently, saying that Rhodes is injured only increases his trade value.

Interestingly, if Rhodes does go to Houston, this will be the third Astros-A's trade this season (along with Sarloos for Harville, and the Beltran three-way tango).