Idiots Write About Sports

Because I am working away from the Los Angeles headquarters this week and thus, farther away from my TiVo than I feel comfortable being, I did not catch every last millisecond of Fox’s All Star Game coverage. I arrived home just in time to catch the appearance of the only Athletic in last night’s game. So I did not see the apparently awkward, Blues Brothers-inspired entrances of Joe Torre and Jack McKeon or any of Fox’s other extravagancies. But that’s not stopping me from mouthing off about them.
* I understand that Fox began last night’s telecast by interspersing footage of All Stars with scenes from its upcoming summer blockbuster I, Robot. (Though it wouldn’t be the first time Fox pulled such a stunt — last year’s All Star Game began with a tie-in to Fox’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen or, as you might better remember by its alternative title, Box Office Poison.)
Hey, Fox ponied up the fee for the broadcast rights and I didn’t, so it’s not like I can tell them what footage they can and can’t use. But please, Fox — think of future generations. They’re going to see footage of Sean Connery muttering nonsense about how the American and National Leagues are both made up of extraordinary gentlemen, and they’re going to think that us denizens of the early 21st century have lost our marbles.
Or more to the point, a couple of months ago, I happened to flip by ESPNClassic, just as it was rebroadcasting Game Six of the 2002 World Series — or as Jason remembers it, the unnecessary exhibition game played after the Giants beat Anaheim in a best-of-five series. And the Fox telecast began with Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu bouncing about in Anaheim Angels jerseys. Because they’re Charlie’s Angels, you see. And even though barely two years have passed since that game took place, the sight of three actresses promoting a movie I barely remember the existence of made that game feel about as dated as a 1920s newsreel of the Senators-Giants tilt.
* This was my first exposure to Scooter, the animated baseball what teaches kids about pitching. During Scooter’s previous appearance on my TV, Fox experiened audio difficulties. So I withheld judgment until I heard Scooter actually speak.
And now that I have, I want him to die.
Seriously, Fox — if you can ensure me that Scooter’s next appearance will be a short video to explain how pitchers doctor baseballs that ends with Scooter screaming in agony as an emery board files aways what’s left of his brain, I promise to give Jeanie Zelasko a free pass the next time she asks a player what it’s like to “face the Rocket’s Red Glare.”
Which she did Tuesday night. Because if there’s a forced clichE to be said, Jeanie is on the case.
* I think the thing that bugs me the most about Fox’s coverage of baseball — or any sport for that matter — is that there’s at least one instance a game where the crew does something to remind you you’re watching Amatuer Hour. Last night’s moment came in the second inning when Fox treated us to a video feature on how Ivan Rodriguez enjoys the music of Yanni — and then played Yanni music over a replay of Pudge’s just-completed All-Star game at-bat while Joe Buck and Tim McCarver brayed like jackasses.
It made me think I had stumbled across an old XFL telecast.
* Last year, Fox announcers mouthed MLB’s foul “This Time, It Counts!” slogan so often, I was inspired to write a not-very-good column on how imposing a non-existent storyline on a sporting event really doesn’t serve your audience well. This year — apart from a garrish “It Counts!” banner in the outfield — they didn’t do that so much. In fact, Joe Buck pointed out that Todd Helton’s pinch-hitting appearance in the ninth left the National League without any bench players and that any sort of comeback against the AL — as unlikely as it may have been, with Mariano Rivera on the mound — would have forced the NL to send a pitcher to the plate. The subtext of Buck’s analysis: so much for “This time, it counts!” huh?
* After last night’s National Anthem rendition, Fantasia Barrino should be thankful the American Idol results are subject to recounts.