Idiots Write About Sports

I’m probably missing some article somewhere, but near as I can tell, not too many sportswriters are overwhelming us with overly-sentimental, syrupy drivel about Roger Clemens getting the start in tonight’s All Star Game. Maybe it’s because those same sportswriters are too busy overwhelming us with the tedious Clemens-Mike Piazza storyline — will they get along? will they shake hands? will they murder one another during the pregame introductions? — to gush warm fuzzies in the Rocket’s general direction. Or maybe they used up all their overly sentimental, syrupy nonsense before last year’s game.

Remember last year? Clemens wasn’t on the squad originally — largely because his first-half performance wasn’t all that impressive — and a lot of people, many of them employed by Fox, reacted like this was the worst tragedy in the history of sport, especially since Clemens was going to retire at season’s end. So to make room for Clemens, someone had to get booted off the American League squad. That turned out to be Barry Zito, who didn’t find out about the switch-a-roo until after he had already arrived in Chicago. Ah well — at least it gave Clemens one last moment on the national stage before riding off into the sunset of retirement.

What? He’s back again this year? Oh. Uh, sorry, Barry. Better luck next All Star Game.

Say, maybe Baseball can pull another last minute switch-a-roo and yank Clemens off the All Star roster in favor of Zito. Sure, it’s not like Barry’s having a very good year — not that that kept Clemens out of the game in 2003 — and they pitch in entirely different leagues now, but fair’s fair. Right, Bud?

I have to confess: I’ve never understood how people can work up any sentiment for Clemens, a me-first kind of guy whose mercenary attitude is only matched by his boorishness. This is a guy who, until he forced a trade to the Bronx, never really won anything of consequence despite amassing a record of fantasitc personal achievement. He’s a great pitcher — probably the greatest of my lifetime, with only Tom Seaver offering reasonable debate — but he’s a first-ballot choice for the Jerk Hall of Fame. And yet, we’re expected to get weepy every time it looks like he’s going to exit stage left.

Slate contributor Seth Stevenson shares my disdain for all things Clemens, only he expresses it much more brilliantly than I could ever hope to.

[Update: Go to bed, Old Man! But congratulations on winning the Allan H. Selig Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.]