Idiots Write About Sports

Deep within the darkest recesses of my iTunes music library is the recording “Funkytown” by certified one-hit wonder Lipps, Inc. Before you start drafting the mocking e-mails, let me just explain that a few years ago, I was drafted to write a magazine article on the iTunes Music Store in which I was to measure just how wide a digital selection the online store had to offer. And one of the metrics I used was VH-1’s list of the 100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders. Which “Funkytown” happens to be on. Which is how it wound up in my iTunes library.
(This is the explanation I plan on giving to God, at any rate, when He calls me to account for the many ways I misspent my life. “It’s all right, God — I was able to expense my purchase of ‘Funkytown,’” I’ll say. “Look — I have a receipt!”)
You are probably familiar enough with “Funkytown,” whose lyrics we shall politely describe as “unchallenging:”

Gotta make a move to a town that’s right for me

Town to get me me moving, keep me groving with some energy

Well I talk about it

Talk about it

Talk about it

Talk about it

Talk about talk about

Talk about moving

Gotta move on
Gotta move on
Gotta move on
Won’t You take me to
Funkytown
(repeat 700 times)

However, the version of “Funkytown” you probably heard at your last wedding reception or social gathering is not the same recording I have on my computer. No — the version I have is titled “Funkytown (Long Version).” And they ain’t kidding about that title — it’s a seven-minute, 49-second recording, or about seven minutes longer than any rendition of “Funkytown” has any right to be.
What’s especially odd about this extended dance remix is that it’s not appreciably different from the three-minute version you’ve heard at junior-high dances and discotheques. It’s the same lyrics, the same tune, the same orchestration — it’s just stretched out over seven minutes and 49 seconds. It’s as if some record producer heard a three-minute demo of “Funkytown” and said, “You know what would make this song even better? If it were exactly the same but more than twice as long!”
That producer is wrong, of course. Doubling the length of “Funkytown” does not make it any better — what it does accomplish is that, after five minutes of hearing the same thing over and over again, you want to jam a screwdriver into your brain if for no other reason than the sizzle and pop of neurons and ganglia will at least sound different from some woman singing about her desire to visit Funkytown.
So what does all this have to with Jim Caple? Plenty.
As we mentioned last week, Jim Caple’s penchant for writing fake-quote columns took a turn for the worst, as he wrote an entire ALCS preview column in the voice of Don Zimmer. And as ESPN threatened, this became a recurring series throughout the series, which — wouldn’t you know it — went the full seven games, so that we wouldn’t be deprived one moment of Caple’s descent into madness.
Don Zimmer’s playoff analysis — after the initial write-up, how many columns do you think someone could squeeze out of that thin conceit? One? Two? Three? Four? Oh, you are seriously underestimating the heights to which Jim Caple’s hackery can soar. Try four more columns, making it a grand total of nine times that Jim Caple went to the Don Zimmer well.
That’s… um… dedication to purpose, if nothing else.
Once you get past the sheer volume, here’s the real impressive thing about the Zimmer columns: for nine consecutive columns, Jim Caple told the exact same jokes.
I am not exaggerating here. Read the columns yourself. Don Zimmer is a cranky, old man! Johnny Damon needs a haircut! Don Zimmer has a man-crush on Joe Torre! Don Zimmer hates George Steinbrenner! Did I mention Don Zimmer is old and cranky? He is!
It’s as if some ESPN.com editor took a look the copy of the first Don Zimmer column and reached the same horrible conclusion made by that “Funkytown” record producer nearly three decades ago. “Great stuff, Jim,” the editor probably said. “Don Zimmer as an old, cranky bastard — I don’t know how you come up with this day after day. But you know what might make this even funnier? If you wrote the same thing eight more times.”
So I’d like to pose a couple of questions to the public at large:
1. Can you spot a dime’s worth of thematic difference between Column One and any of its misbegotten progeny? Did you read anything by Column Nine that you didn’t see in the first eight versions? Am I just missing something here?
2. Is this whole pretending-to-be-Zimmer thing funny? Or, more to the point, did it get increasingly funnier as the week wore on? Obviously, I have a pretty firm opinion about the first part of that question, but I’d be interested to hear someone explain how repetition makes the heart grow fonder and the jokes grow funnier.
Anyone who answers either of these questions to my satisfaction, I will treat you to a lovely steak dinner. This is a legitimate offer. In the meantime, we’ve got a Hack-O-Meter to update.
Let’s see… eight fake-quote columns in addition to the one we’ve already tallied. A comment about how David Wells isn’t the gauntest or most sanitary gentleman in the game. And since Jim Caple has only now discovered that Johnny Damon has long hair even though the rest of the world has been at peace with this development since spring training, we introduce the new “Johnny Damon is a filthy hippie!” category with two instances of that bon mot. And in non-Zimmer-related columns, Caple also penned this offering, noting his hatred for the Yankees. That brings the tote board to:
Fake Quote columns o 14
David Wells is Fat! o 7
iI Hate the Yankeesi references o 5
Steve Bartman references o 3
Grady Little references o 2
References to the Oakland Athleticsi poor fundamentals o 2
Johnny Damon is a filthy hippie! o 2
Derisive references to Alex Rodriguez as iCapini o 1
Derisive references to Tom Hicks o 1
Now maybe you’re thinking, “Gosh, Phil — it may be meet and right to make fun of a guy who turns in nine versions of the same Don Zimmer column. But at least he was filing other stories during the ALCS. You gotta give the guy some credit for being prolific.”
True enough. Of course, in the “I Hate the Yankees” column referenced above, Caple writes:

As a precaution, major-league security has ordered riot police to surround George Steinbrenner’s private box.

While in an unrelated — and miraculously hack-free — column previewing Game 7, Caple says:

Of course, they may need those same police lined up outside Steinbrenner’s office if the Yankees lose tonight.

So I guess it’s easy to be prolific when you’re allowed to repeat the same material.