Idiots Write About Sports

I was over at Jason’s tonight, playing dice baseball. Yes, we are two grown men in our thirties, and we spent a Friday evening playing dice baseball. No, we don’t know why our wives haven’t divorced us yet, either.
Anyhow, the conversation turned to baseball-themed music at one point in the evening, which of course, led us to Talkin’ Softball, the Terry Cashman-esque parody of “Talkin’ Baseball” that appeared at the end of the “Homer at the Bat” episode of The Simpsons. You know the lyrics…

We’re talkin’ softball…

From Maine to San Diego.

Talkin’ softball…

Mattingly and Canseco.

Ken Griffey’s grotesquely swollen jaw.

Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.

We’re talkin’ Homer… Ozzie and the Straw.

“Do you realize,” Jason said, “that The Simpsons has been on the air for so long, that at the time this episode aired, Steve Sax was a contemporary baseball player?”
“Do you realize,” I replied, “that The Simpsons has been on the air for so long, that the only active players from Mr. Burns’ band of ringers are Roger Clemens and Ken Griffey Jr.”
And it’s true. Everyone else from that episode is long since retired. Ozzie Smith is in the Hall of Fame. Wade Boggs will be in there by this time next year. Mike Scioscia has won a World Series… as a manager!
Which is why we feel like old, old men tonight. Though not nearly as old as we would have if Mr. Burns had succeeded in lining up his original dream team. Cap Anson! Honus Wagner! Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown! Sadly, most of Mr. Burns’ players had retired and passed on.