Idiots Write About Sports

When the Randy Johnson trade was finally completed after what amounted to a year-and-a-half worth of “Johnson to the Yankees a Done Deal” stories, my first thought was not exasperation over the market disparities in the game or despair thanks to the uphill climb that small market teams. Rather, it was relief that for a brief time, anyhow, we’d be spared the New York media’s frenzied speculation about the next high-priced free-agent-to-be sure to land in New York once an in-over-his-head GM succumbed to the greatness that is the New York Yankees.
That brief time now is now over, thanks to Joel Sherman of the New York Post:

THERE are certain signs that you have been at one job too long. Here’s mine: Roger Clemens signs a pitchers’ record $18 million contract yesterday with the Astros and the first thought is not “Good for him,” or “Good for Houston,” or even “Wow.” The first thought is a contract like that means Roger Clemens is going to end the 2005 season as either a Yankee or a Red Sox.

Oh for the love of…
OK, let’s all agree on a few things right off the bat: Roger Clemens is going to pitch for the Astros for the entire 2005 season. Roger Clemens is going to end his career as an Astro. If Roger Clemens still wanted to pitch in the Bronx, he wouldn’t have “retired” after the 2003 season. The idea of spending homestands sleeping under the same roof as his family appeals to a man in his 40s. (Though the large checks Drayton McLane will be writing next season probably had a lot to do with Clemens’ return.)
I want us to accept these principles and move forward because we’re going to be subjected to enough Yankess-Red Sox 24/7 coverage in 2005 without having to slog through drivel like:

Clemens and Randy Johnson in one rotation is a fireballing George Steinbrenner dream. Curt Schilling pitching with his mentor, Clemens, would be another sign The Curse is gone forever. Ever since Clemens received that standing-ovation, Fenway sendoff in September 2003, I have sensed an open door for him to return. Wade Boggs, who also left under bad conditions, will go into the Hall of Fame this summer as a Red Sox. Maybe Boston has just begun an era of righting all past wrongs. The Boss, of course, will not let that happen without a spirited tussle.

And I say all this, realizing that nothing will ever stop tabloid reporters from printing non-sensical ramblings about trades that will never take place. But maybe we can figure out some way to… I don’t know… make people think twice before passing off fanciful speculation as reportage.
Tell you what: if Clemens does wind up with either the Yanks or Sox in 2005 (he won’t), we nominate Joel Sherman for the Pulitzer Prize. And if he doesn’t (which he won’t), Sherman has to spend the 2006 season walking around in a clown suit with big floppy shoes and a fright wig. Such an arrangement only seems fair for all the wasted ink and dead trees used to disseminate such nonsense.