Idiots Write About Sports

… because otherwise, when you see a headline like Cardinals Set Date for Secret Papal Vote, you might think that the story reads something like this:

(04-06) 06:44 PDT ST. LOUIS (AP) — The St. Louis Cardinals on Tuesday set April 18 as the date for the historic start of the conclave to elect a successor to Pope John Paul II.

The decision came after the Cardinals read John Paul’s spiritual testament during the seventh-inning stretch of Tuesday’s game against the Houston Astros.

The Cardinals will open an away series against the Pittsburgh Pirates at PNC Park on April 18 before retiring to the clubhouse to vote on a new Pope. The conclave will continue until a Pope is selected — symbolized by the release of the Budweiser clydesdales — at which time the Cardinals will then take the field to play the second game of their series against the Pirates.

“It seems like the right time to select a new leader for the Church,” explained first baseman Albert Pujols.

While the Cardinals have traditionally enjoyed the right to select the head of the Catholic Church, their prerogative has sometimes engendered resentment among the 29 other Major League Baseball teams.

“Why does St. Louis always get to pick the Pope?” wondered Colorado Rockies first basemen Todd Helton. “Most of those guys aren’t even Catholic.”

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has proposed opening up the selection of the Pope to fan balloting — a move that has received staunch opposition from the Vatican.

“Fans are the same yo-yos who named Jason Giambi to the American League All-Star team last year,” a Vatican spokesman said on the condition of anonymity. Thanks, but no thanks.”

While the Cardinals’ selection of a Pope has led to some memorable choices — few can forget the papacy of Ozzie Smith, who began each mass with a celebratory backflip — recent choices have been mired in controversy. Former Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire’s reign as Pope has come under recent scrutiny after allegations surfaced that McGwire used anabolic steroids to aid in the record number of communions he presided over in 1998; McGwire has denied the allegations, crediting the miracle of transubstantiation for his accomplishments.

This latest selection of the Pope figures to come under increases scrutiny, thanks to rule changes instituted by John Paul II that allows the Arizona Cardinals of the National Football League to participate in the conclave.

“Arizona only won six games last year,” Helton exclaimed. “How does that qualify them to pick a pope?”

Early frontrunners for the role of pontiff include Francis Arinze, the prelate from Nigeria, Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga, the archbishop of Tegucigalpa, Honduras, and Mark Mulder, the pitcher acquired by St. Louis in a trade with the Oakland Athletics.

… when apparently, that’s not what the story is about at all.

Referenced by Sports Action, in the entry I Get The Joke:
I had to read this twice. Check it out.......

Post a comment