Idiots Write About Sports

Friends, is your baseball team floundering? Are your local nine as down in the dumps as they are in the standings? Does your team find itself listless, lacking pep, lifeless, missing that old bounce in its step?

Well, friends, I’m here to tell you that the situation is not hopeless, that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that you should stop asking friends and relations “When does football season start again?” The solution, my friends, to hardball happiness is right here in this green-and-gold bottle. Just a few drops and your fastball will regain its bite, your bats will awaken from their slumber, and your win total will begin climbing upward like it did in your younger days.

Yes, my friends, you need to schedule a series against the Oakland A’s.

Let me tell you a story, friends, about the New York Yankees, a baseball team not all that different from your own. They were beaten, broken, battered about. They were sharing last place with a C-league softball team from the Tampa-St. Pete area. They had an unhappy missus at home, unsettled fans in their bleachers, and an owner who was threatening to ship the lot of them off to the glue factory alongside his broken-down nag. Things couldn’t have looked more grim.

That’s when the New York Yankees did what you should do, friends, and scheduled some games against the Oakland A’s. And in two of those games, do you know how many runs those bumbling, butchering Bombers from the Bronx surrendered to the geniune, electrified, non-existent offense of the Oakland A’s? Not nine runs, or six runs or even two runs, friends, but a grand total of zero runs.

And now, my friends, the restorative powers of the Oakland A’s flailing bats can be yours — this magical green-and-gold wondro-cure for stumblebum teams is coming to your town or municipality and bring the promise of low-scoring, timely outs, and general offensive ineptitude with it to revive your teams fortunes and restore the lusty sheen of your preseason expectations.

Just $9.95 a bottle. Order now while supplies last.

Nothing like those Vitameatavegamin A's! All you need now is Lucille Ball...

I should also add: Kevin Brown and Mike Mussina are relatively old and wore-down pitchers. Watch Brown's splits in cold starts vs. warm weather starts. He's essentially unusable to the Yanks at home during a third of the season.

Post a comment