Idiots Write About Sports

And so begins the sure-to-be-exciting baseball playoffs in which we, the paying customers, will be treated to such rare, never-before-seen appearances by… the Braves. And the Red Sox. And… um… the Yankees. Again.

Yes, this is probably just sour grapes from a guy whose team faded down the stretch, but this year’s baseball postseason fails to intrigue me. Don’t get me wrong — I’ll watch if, for no other reason, than I am a remarkably sedentary person. But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

I don’t begrudge the excitement of fans of the eight teams whose seasons didn’t end Sunday, but try to look at it from the perspective of us outsiders. Six of the eight teams in the playoffs are repeat offenders from last year. And of the two newcomers, the San Diego Padres figure to last about as long as the 2004 Dodger team they supplanted as division champions while the Chicago White Sox are perhaps the least imposing No. 1 seed since… the 2000 Chicago White Sox, who were last seen getting swept by the Mariners in that year’s ALDS. I mean, this was supposed to be the first time we’ve enjoyed a Yankee-free postseason since I was in college — if that doesn’t sound like a long time, please consider that I am a very old man — and a late-season Cleveland Indians collapse deprived us of even that little gem.

I’m sure I will feel differently as the playoffs unfold, but right now, I’m even scraping to find a rooting interest for the next few weeks. Logic dictates that I cast my lot with the Padres, as I spent four years of my life in that part of the world drinking and attending enough college classes to obtain a worthless liberal arts degree. Also, a lengthy Padre run would make fellow Idiot Steve happy, and that might be worth seeing for a change.

Then again, that presupposes the Padres won’t be reserving tee times by this time next week, which is a bit of a leap of faith. Let’s just say I’m not exactly rehearsing the congratulatory phone call I’ll be making to Steve.

I guess I could pull for the Cardinals, if for no one other reason that it will get people off of former Oakland skipper Tony LaRussa’s back. (I understand the grief he gets for losing three of the four World Series he’s managed in, but what the LaRussa-is-terrible crowd never seem to acknowledge is that you’ve kind of got to be pretty good at your job to get to that many World Series in the first place.) But I’m just not all that into it — I’m an American League guy at heart.

And what does the AL side of the ledger offer me? The Yankees, an organization that has done enough winning for my lifetime, thanks. The Red Sox, who are, by and large, supported by insufferable drunkards, despicable braggarts, and long-winded narcissists. And the White Sox, who are a train wreck waiting to happen, thanks to the machinations of their deranged manager.

Which leaves us with the Angels, who at least boast a player in right field who I really enjoy watching and who are a lot more tolerable now that I’m safely out of the reach of Rex Hudler’s voice. Then again, didn’t I just spend six months pulling for these guys to fail (or at the very least, do just poorly enough to give Oakland a fighting chance)? It seems slightly adulterous to start cheering for their successes now, even if it’s only because I find the notion of the other three teams succeeeding so intolerable.

Anyhow, enough of my Hamlet-like deliberations. Let’s head over to the Wrong In Public Dept., and make our predictions for the weeks ahead, before the Padres begin their quest to get swept in two games of their best-of-five series with the Cardinals. (If you’re interested in what paid experts think as opposed to rank amateurs like myself, 6-4-2 has compiled a list of predictions.)

American League

• Anaheim over New York in four. The Angels pitching is the best in the AL this season and is certainly strong enough to contain, if not necessarily neutralize, New York’s potent lineup. Anaheim’s offense, though often A’s-esque in its ineffectiveness, gets a break from having to face a less-than-imposing Yankee pitching staff.

• Boston over Chicago in five. Count on Ozzie Guillen doing at least half-a-dozen things to squander this series.

• ALCS: Boston over Anaheim in six. Anaheim’s pitching is good, but it’s not so good as to subdue both David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez over the course of a seven-game series. Plus, by picking Boston to get to the Series again, I’ve ensured their eventual doom. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!

National League

• St. Louis over San Diego in three. Hey, someone’s gotta get swept. Might as well be the team with 82 wins.

• Houston over Atlanta in five. No reason why this series should be any different than it was last year. The presence of Andy Pettitte makes up for the absence of Carlos Beltran, which is just as well, since the New York Mets can hardly afford to throw millions at another free-agent outfielder who happens to get hot at the right time.

• NLCS: St. Louis over Houston in seven. Just like last year. Ho hum.

World Series

Same teams as last year, different results. The Cardinals win in six, St. Louis fans celebrate their first world title in 23 years, and Sox fans can go back to complaining that only they know the bitter pain of defeat.

Same as it ever was.

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