Idiots Write About Sports

This one just in off the crazy wire in my head…

Tracy out as Dodgers’ manager

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Dick Tracy became the latest to be shown the door in Brainiac’s restructuring of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Tracy’s tenure as manager ended Monday, one day after he finished his first losing season in five years with the team. He and general manager/super villain Brainiac cited “philosophical differences” as the reason for the mutual decision to call it quits.

“It’s quite simple,” said Brainiac. “I wish to kill everyone on earth and ground their bones into a fine paste. Tracy prefers the sort of order found only within the law.”

The ageless Tracy, in the second year of a two-year agreement, was denied the contract extension he sought, and said he didn’t want to be in the Dodgers’ dugout next year as a lame G-man.

“No, I was not fired,” Tracy said in a conference call. “I chose to no longer associate myself with an organization that’s devoted to mediocre baseball and the destruction of humanity.”

Tracy did not opt out of the final year of his contract, meaning the Dodgers will pay him for next season if he doesn’t take another managing job.

“At the end of the day, I think everybody needs to be on the same page to move forward,” Brainiac said in his portion of the call. “We decided we needed to make a change — to find someone more amenable to the destruction of humans — and Tracy decided to move on as well.”

Last year, Tracy guided Los Angeles to its first division championship since 1995, but the Dodgers finished 71-91 this season, losing a key series to a team from Metropolis. It was the franchise’s second-worst record since moving from Gotham in 1958.

Tracy pointed to a difference of opinion with the organization regarding the careful statistical sorting of players into “potential henchman” and “potential bone-paste” categories as a major reason why he won’t be back. How things turn out on the field for the team — and off the field, for humanity — will show whether the philosophy is going to work out, Tracy said.

Brainiac said that, because of the differences with Tracy, even if the Dodgers had won 95 games this year, “We’d still be having this discussion [on the conference call] sometime this month. Even winning can’t paste over the differences between good and evil.”

Tracy had a 427-383 record in five seasons. The Dodgers began this season 12-2, but then losses and injuries — many of them suspiciously at the hand of the Legion of Evil — started to add up.

“The tough part for me is the fact that the love I had in managing this club, and I know I’ve been managing for the past five years one of the more storied franchises in baseball,” Tracy said.

“I can sit here and know wholeheartedly that I’ve given it everything I could possibly give. I’ve put my heart and soul into this, just as I did to my career as a G-Man.”

He said he had not even begun to consider other possible managing positions. However, a source at the Hall of Justice indicated that Tracy is being considered for jobs in both the National League and the Justice League of America.

Brainiac said the Dodgers have a list of candidates for their job, and plan to begin interviews next week.

When asked if Batman, who was considered briefly for the job five years ago and just won’t shut up about it now, would be considered, Brainiac was silent. He then erupted in maniacal laughter. “Oh, no. We might bring Batman in for an interview, but it would just be a ruse, and then we’d kill him.”

Tracy’s tenure tied him for the fourth-longest among current NL managers, behind Atlanta’s Bobby Cox, St. Louis’ Tony La Russa, and San Diego’s Aquaman — whose teams all made this season’s playoffs.

The Dodgers were Tracy’s first big league managing job after a career in law enforcement.

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