Idiots Write About Sports

Frequent readers of this Web site know that I have creepy, Jedi-like powers when it comes to laying down the bad mojo on teams whose fanbase offends my sense of good sportsmanship and proper decorum in victory as well as defeat. Jason has dubbed this fanstastic-seeming but nevertheless chillingly-accurate power of mine The Whammy. Its proper uses and care and feeding are spelled out in excruciating detail here. But to sum up for those of you new to the proceedings:

• I get one Whammy per sport a year.
• I may only use the Whammy to teach obnoxious fans to mind their P’s and Q’s.
• I cannot personally profit from the Whammy, either by using it to curse the opponents of teams that I root for or to cash in on foolhardy wagers.

And now a brief recap of the Whammy’s swath of destruction, featuring the teams with the great misfortune to be Whammied, why they earned my animus, and the cruel fate that ultimately befell them:

• 2000: UCLA — Hassled by unruly UCLA undergrads on my way to Memorial Stadium, I laid the Whammy on the Bruins. They lost that very afternoon to a lackluster Cal squad coached by the equally lackluster Tom Holmoe.
• 2001: UCLA again — Another foul-mouthed Bruin fan gives me guff for no good reason; his then-undefeated team is promptly dispatched by a Stanford squad on an express train to the Seattle Bowl.
• 2002: UCLA once more — I have no idea why I did it, but I did, and the Bruins lost to Cal once more.
• 2003: USC — A Trojan fan sitting next to me was being very unpleasant. And one Whammy later, Cal upset USC, leading directly to the Trojans getting screwed out of the BCS championship that year. Flawed computer rankings to blame? Yeah, if that helps you sleep better at night, unpleasant Trojan fan. But you and I both know the critical role the Whammy played in ruining your New Year.
• 2003: Boston Red Sox — Taunted by a Sox fan seconds after Boston had dispatched the A’s in the divisional playoffs, I laid a mammoth-sized Whammy on the BoSox. Could somebody tell me if that ball Aaron Boone hit off of Tim Wakefield in the ALCS has re-entered the earth’s atmosphere yet?
• 2004: Anaheim Angels of Whammyville — An Angels fan got a little bit too mouthy for my tastes after his team edged out mine for a divisional title. So I employed The Whammy to make sure the Angels went three and out in the playoffs.

So that brings us to this point in an otherwise Whammy-free 2005. (Decided to let Boston lose on its own accord this year, despite one cowardly Sox fan’s best efforts to live down to my low opinion of that particular fanbase.) And that brings me to Erica Lucero.

Lucero is a USC undergraduate who has been tapped by ESPN — apparently as part of some sort of program to lock up grating sportswriters while they’re young — to file weekly reports on the greatness of the Trojans. Between her and Bill Simmons, with his now-constant paeans to the majesty of both the Sox and the Patriots, I can only conclude that ESPN’s game plan is now to give us a steady stream of fanboy/girl writers whose sole raison d’etre is to sing hosannahs to their front-running team. Thank goodness the Lakers are in a bit of dry spell right now, or we would be subjected to some L.A.-based Page Two scribe writing homer-ific odes to the purple-and-gold.

But I digress.

Lucero’s column this week covers last Saturday’s Cal-USC contest. It’s filled with the usual schoolgirl cooing over the Men of Troy… but it also contains its fair share of potshots at the Trojans’ vanquished foe. Not-at-all-nice turns of phrase like “senile old Cal hippies” and other such pleasantries populate the prose, concluding with this display of grace-in-victory:

The novelty of cheering for the other team in a sea of the home team’s fans had faded. We had done what we had to do — embarrassed them thoroughly and left no question about our superiority.

Now, why’d you have to do that, Erica? No one would dispute the notion that USC is a fine football team — quite easily the finest collegiate team in all the land. You should be able to savor your victories without having to resort to rubbing your foes’ faces in it. After all, in a little more than a month-and-a-half, you are going to be celebrating your third consecutive National Championship.

Correction: you were going to be celebrating that championship. But I’m afraid your little display of poor sportsmanship has stirred the vengeful spirit of The Whammy.

Poor, poor Erica.

I don’t know when it’s going to happen, Erica. Maybe against Fresno State. Maybe against UCLA. Perhaps even in the Rose Bowl itself. But it will happen, Erica. And when it does, it will be excruciating — especially to a fan who can accept no less than a championship.

Look, I’d love to let bygones be bygones — I’m a reasonable man. But The Whammy, it’s got a temper. And it’s been drinking since August. I’m sorry, Erica, but you’re the one who let the genie out of the bottle. I’m just here to tell you that your team is doomed. Best you hear it from me first.

Since you called "the Whammy" I'd like to throw out a little prediction on when the Whammy will take place.

Saturday, vs. Fresno State.

Fresno State has an uncanny habit of upsetting Pac-10 teams. I would love to see those damn Trojans knocked down a peg or two.

Well Phil, that's a bold team to slap The Whammy on. If they do lose, particularly to someone other than Texas in the Rose Bowl, I think The Whammy will rise to the status of the lie detector test in its accuracy.

Fortune favors the bold, Ken.

You don't even *know* how great it would for my Bruins to knock the Trojans -- and especially their fans -- off that pedestal ;-)

There are few more obnoxious fans in all of college sports than those from 'SC.

That's a risky one, Phil, I have to say. I also note that this is the first Whammy in which you haven't directly, in person, heard/seen the taunting. So if USC somehow defies the Whammy, that's something to note.

Phil, the Whammy almost did it's trick on Saturday, but clearly it was only giving a warning and waiting for another day.

If USC finds a way to win the championship this year, they may just be Whammy proof. I mean, with the entire sports media on their knees before them, to actually win it all would be amazing.

And BTW, Lucero is SO, SO awful. At least Simmons is interesting and funny sometimes. Good analysis of her awfulitude here:
http://www.thephatphree.com/Features.asp?SectionID=2&StoryID=1485&LayoutType=1

can u say eri-CA loser-o ?!?! I am so glad that mt Horns beat those overrated condoms. Hey, a broken condom....hope those SC gals are on the pill!!! Forget the Heisman...we'll take the cystal ball. It was in our future!

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