Idiots Write About Sports

So over on ESPN.com, they’re doing this thing where USC plays a mythical schedule against the best 11 teams of the last 50 years or so. And you, the Web surfing public, are called upon to cast your vote on whether the Trojans could take the measure of the 1991 Washington Huskies or the 2002 Ohio State Buckeyes.

Beats having to think about work, I suppose.

But wait… this is more than just some hypothetical Web tournament relegated to the browsers of people who are just putting off thinking about that 2 o’clock meeting with H.R. It’s an integral part of SportsCenter’s nightly reportage — “Tune in to SportsCenter for expert analysis and picks,” suggets the aforementioned Web page.

And indeed, I tuned into SportsCenter tonight, largely because there was nothing better on. As promised, there was Keith Jackson with a short film chronicling the accomplishments of the 1969 Texas Longhorns. That was followed up by a panel discussion between Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreet and some guy I didn’t recognize but who seemed acceptable enough largely because he wasn’t Lee Corso. Topic: Could the wishbone offense of the ‘69 Longhorns caused any sort of problems for the Trojans of the here-and-now? Conclusion: Not bloody likely.

It wasn’t like I was meticulously timing all this, but if I had to guess, I’d say the entire segment ran anywhere from three to five minutes of broadcast time. Dedicated to analyzing a make-believe football game. That can never be played.

And you thought February was a slow month for sports.

Since USC won’t actually take to the field for another two weeks, why stop with expert analysis of how the Trojans would fare in pretend games against real teams? I want to know who would win a football game between the USC Trojans… and a team of comic book super heroes! And not characters from the Marvel-verse either — this is strictly a D.C.-populated squad. Or how about the Trojans versus Muhammad Ali? Or against the ‘27 Yankees… in a raquetball game. Sure, Matt Leinart has good footwork, but you can never discount the tenacity of Earle Combs. Or how’s about the Trojans playing in the Rose Bowl against a team of Nazi-bred mutant supermen? And the game decides World War II? And Herman Goering kidnaps Pete Carroll’s parents just before kickoff?

Come on, ESPN — you’re missing wonderful opportunities to waste our time with hypotheticals. Where’s the discussion about who wins a footrace between the USC Trojans, Jesse Owens, and Secretariat? Could the Trojans top the Gabe Kaplan-led ABC squad that squashed the competition in the 1977 Battle of the Network Stars? Sure, Reggie Bush has no problem navigating his way through a crush of onrushing lineman, but how would he handle a dungeon full of chaotic-evil orcs? I bet I’m not the only one who wants to see Stuart Scott break out his 20-sided dice.

Is this the entry about journalistic integrity...or just a continuation? Leave it to the Worldwide Leader. My vote goes for the game against a team of Nazi-bred mutant supermen, but in international football--in a POW camp & complete with the arm-breaking scene from the Stallone flick ("Victory", if I recall correctly).

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