December 21, 2005
This Time, Plaschke, You’ve Gone Too Far
I swear, one of my resolutions in 2006 will be to ignore Bill Plaschke, unless I’m really, really desperate for a cheap joke. But in today’s column, in which the Master of the Mono-Sentence Paragraph lauds Ned Colletti’s decision to stack the Dodgers with aging players whose greatest glories came anywhere from three to five seasons ago, Plaschke goes too far.
Tuesday’s signing of cantankerous Kenny Lofton makes it official, the Dodgers now look exactly like the San Francisco Giants, minus that awful smell of garlic fries.
Awful smell of garlic fries? Am I hearing you correctly, Plaschke? Because them’s fightin’ words, Beard-o, and I just want to make sure I didn’t misunderstand you before I unleash my fists of fury.
There are few aromas on this earth that can match the savory smell of garlic fries. Just a whiff of that unmistakable scent makes my mouth water, my stomach rumble, and my mind wander to epicurean feasts, washed down with beer, on a nice summer afternoon. Garlic fries smell of happiness, of the modern-day retro ballpark and all the charms contained there in.
In contrast, you, Plaschke, smell of unwashed socks and week-old animal scat drying in the unforgiving August sun.
I don’t pretend to speak for everyone, but I’m fairly certain of what scent I’d rather pick up.
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Comments
I guess this means that Plaschke won't be attending any games at Dodger Stadium this year, as garlic fries -- albeit decidedly inferior to those offered in Oakland and San Francisco -- are sold at several booths throughout the ballpark.
Regarding those vaunted prospects Plaschke is suddenly so enamored with, a Dodger Thoughts commenter was kind enough to dig up this gem from a 9/14/05 Plaschke column:
"The club is trumpeting the Jacksonville Five such that press notes from the Suns' Southern League championship series were given to writers on Tuesday. But the truth is, the Dodgers will be fortunate if two of those five players make a big-league impact."
Now that Neddy's in charge, it's "one of baseball's most stocked farm systems"!
Exactly like the SF Giants, huh? And just who plays Barry Bonds under this scenario? Or are we talking about SF minus Barry, which is a remarkably non-descript team whose only chance of winning is to play in a crap-ass division?
I shouldn't mock. I've got to put up with Souhan.
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