Idiots Write About Sports

I enjoy Mark Camps’ weekly numbers columns in the Chronicle. I mean, you have to appreciate a guy who can work a Freddie Patek reference into the lede of his latest column.

Say, speaking of that column, this week’s installment features the following passage:

And while we’re discussing [Josh] Bard, we honor The Bard, William Shakespeare, who celebrated his 442nd birthday last Sunday (he was born a few years before the Mets’ Julio Franco).

Though we toyed with the idea of coming up with an All-Shakespeare lineup (A’s minor-league pitcher Marcus McBeth and the aforementioned Bard would be the starting battery), we thought “the better part of valor is discretion.” Nevertheless, here are few guys who would be on the roster: former Giants scout and major-league shortstop Ed Montague, Twins Hall of Famer Kirby “Puck” Puckett and deadball-era pitcher King Lear, who won seven games for the 1914-15 Reds. And one for the NBA division: Hall of Famer Bob McAdoo (About Nothing).

You only toyed with the idea of doing an All-Shakespeare Team? Gee, I dunno, Mark — that sounds like a challenge to me. And since I have no discretion — and no valor, really — I can draw upon all those classes I took back at UCSD. Hope I make a good show of it, Professor Dunseath.

We’ll go with Mark Camps’ picks of McBeth, Montague, Puckett, and Lear. I think we can do better than Josh Bard at catcher. I think we’ll go with Bruce Benedict (a slight variation on the name of one of the lovers in Much Ado About Nothing) as the starter and John Orsino (as in the Duke from Twelfth Night) as the back-up.

Rudy York (1B) and Les Lancaster (P) will take care of our War of the Roses shout-outs. The Plantagenets will get their representation from third baseman Lew Camp, better known as Robert Platengent Llewellan Camp to his friends. Sadly, no Bolingbrokes have ever played in Major League Baseball — uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, I suppose.

MacBeth proved to be a good source of players for the All-Shakespeare team. Besides the aforementioned McBeth, there’s also Duncan (as in backup infielder Mariano) and one-time Cardinals pitcher Matt Duff. (“Lay on, Matt Duff.”) We can also pick up a trio from As You Like It, which not only gives us love-sick Orlando (Cepeda) but the clown Touchstone (late ’20s Dodger pitcher Clay). So long as we’re not being too adamant about spelling, perhaps the melancholy Jacque Jones can enlighten us on how all the world’s a stage when he’s not busy patrolling the outfield. From The Tempset, we’ve got shortstop Willy Miranda and pitcher Ariel Prieto. As an A’s fan, I can confirm that this Ariel possesses significantly less magic than the one from the The Tempest — certainly none in his right arm.

I’m going to go with current Athletic Antonio Perez at second base as our obligatory Merchant of Venice tie-in; we advise Antonio not to enter into any ill-advised deals with unscrupulous businessmen. He’ll be backed up by Claude Cassius Ritchey, who I suspect will win the starting job soon enough — he’s got that lean and hungry look.

One of the Two Gentlemen of Verona — Ellis Valentine — will roam the outfield. Seemingly every Shakespeare play has a page of some sort running around — we might as well go with Mitchell as ours. And the fifth outfielder spot will fall to long-time Phillie John Titus — hopefully, he won’t react to his lack of playing time by murdering the sons of his rivals and serving them up as a pie.

We’ll round out the pitching staff with Rick Lysander (Midsummer Night’s Dream), Bill Mountjoy (the French herald from Henry V), Brian Lawrence (who’s spent much of his career with the Padres, not unlike Friar Lawrence in Romeo and Juliet), and Cal McLish. Why McLish? Because his full name is Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish. Incidentally, he also rivals Mordecai Peter Centennial Brown — that’s Three-Finger to you and me — for having the most ornate name of any major leaguer.

I wanted to find a spot for Eugene Hamlet Krapp somewhere on the team. But I hear that he’s very indecisive about pitch selection and prone to shaking his catchers off.

So our 25-man roster looks something like this:

Catchers
—-
Benedict
Orsino

First Base
—-
York
Cepeda

Second Base
—-
Perez
Ritchey

Shortstop
—-
Miranda
Montague

Third Baseman
—-
Camp
Duncan

Outfield
—-
Jones
Puckett
Valentine
Page
Titus

Pitchers
—-
Lancaster
Prieto
Touchstone
Duff
McBeth
Lear
Lysander
Mountjoy
Lawrence
McLish

The manager of this crew? Phil Regan, of course. King Lear would be so happy that one of his kids made good.

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