Idiots Write About Sports

We have said it so so many times, even we are finding ourselves repetitive, but we find ourselves oddly enthralled by the NFL draft. Don’t care all that much about the NFL itself, mind you. But each year, I will sit down in front of the television, fully expecting to spend five, maybe 10 minutes getting caught up on the assorted picks. And then I’ll look up two hours later, with more information about outside linebackers from the ACC crammed into my brain than I’ll ever care to know, wondering once more what might happen if Mel Kiper Jr. ever decided to use his mind-altering powers for evil instead of good.

I used to think it was the scrolling tickers and the information overload that kept me staring slack-jawed at the TV set for hours on end during draft day. This year I realized, it’s something else: the promise of something memorably awkward taking place. Because when you have that many cameras recording that much live footage, something is bound to wrong, leaving the on-air talent fumbling for the words to recover and me giddy with delight.

Didn’t have to wait too long for an awkward moment this year — ESPN inexlicably opted to kick off coverage with a taped bit that featured the top-ranked draftees strutting down a catwalk like male models while a Eurotrash M.C. gushed about their physical prowess. In a word: uncomfortable. Probably footage that Matt Leinart will be paying a princely sum to have destroyed in the very near future. And, considering the oft violent nature of football, the segment could not have seemed more out of place than if ESPN had instead shown footage of Reggie Bush and Vince Young forming an unorthodox yet life-long bond herding sheep in the mountains of Wyoming.

(“Halfback Mountain!” my wife helpfully shouts from the couch, for all you adult movie producers out there who have touble coming up with titles.”)

Ah, but my favorite draft moment for 2006 came courtesy of Suzy Kolber, she of awkward post-selection interview fame. This year, Suzy was once again tasked with tossing softball questions at newly minted millionaires, and again, it proved to be a robust source of unintentional comedy, especially when it was Matt Leinart’s turn in the hotseat.

Some background: Matt Leinart probably would have been the first pick in last year’s draft had he skipped his senior year. Instead, Leinart returned to Southern Cal for a shot at that third-straight national championship — didn’t happen — which cost him untold millions, but probably also spared him the shame and heartache that comes with drawing a salary from Dr. John York. So let’s call that a push.

Adding to Leinart’s woes on Saturday was his falling stock. He could have gone as high as the No. 3 pick in the draft. Instead, he “tumbled” to the 10th spot — a downgrade that, in reality, probably just affects the price tag of the luxury car he’ll end up buying. In other words, it’s a bit of bummer, I suppose, but nothing that should cause too much beer to be spilt around the Leinart household.

Which I guess is why Suzy Kolber tried to find a way to put a positive spin on the whole situation.

Now that you’ve made it to this moment, what’s your message to kids who maybe feel like they’re outcasts just looking at you?

Now if I understand Suzy’s question correctly — and I admit that her wording leaves things open to interpretation — she seems to be suggesting that the poor, put-upon youth of America should feel some kinship with Matt Leinart — star quarterback, all-around handsome guy, Nick Lachey running buddy — because he was drafted lower than anyone expected.

Sure, kids — you might feel picked on and overlooked and rejected by your peer group, but consider poor Matt Leinart. He only got drafted 10th overall. He’s a loser like you! Except that he dates models. So he has that going for him.

By the way, Matt’s message to outcast kids is to “stay positive.” So apparently, he aced the Cliched Answers course at ‘SC.

leinart apparently was something of a fatty when he was a kid, wasn't that popular...so that might have been the thinking there.

still a weird question, though. too bad he didn't try to kiss her...

Ah! That's valuable context, since I, like most Americans, only know of Matt Leinart from his Pretty-Boy Star Quarterback days.

Perhaps this can be a new segment on ESPN: "What Suzy Kolber Meant to Say."

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