Idiots Write About Sports

The A’s return from a successful road trip in which they defeated the first-place Texas Rangers in one of the several games they played to host a seven-game homestand against the Kansas City Royals and Minnesota Twins. As always, the Oakland A’s have a series of tremendous promotions that will let our fans know exactly what we think of you and to thank you for your continued support of our ballclub.

Ongoing Promotions

The Oakland A’s are very much involved in your community. And we’re just as concerned as you by the rising cost of gas. To promote the development of alternative fuels, the A’s and Bobby Crosby are teaming for a special season-long promotion. Each time the A’s shortstop swings wildly at a ball outside of the strike zone, the A’s will donate $100 to develop windmill farms to provide an alternative source of renewable energy for our fans in Santa Clara County. Keep on swinging for the fences, Bobby!

A’s Bullpen Scratchers: Just because the A’s lose another heartbreaker in the late innings doesn’t mean you won’t go home a winner. Throughout the homestand, the A’s will give each fan in attendance a scratchable ticket from the California Lottery — just scratch it off to reveal the name of an A’s reliever. If your reliever winds up blowing the lead after the seventh inning, you win 5 percent off selected Athletics merchandise at the souvenir stand behind the right field bleachers. So come on out and cheer for the A’s — though another crushing defeat isn’t exactly bad news either!

Monday, May 29

A’s Fireworks Spectacular: Celebrate the first of our popular pyrotechnical spectaculars this season. However, in the spirit of our decision to close down the third deck of McAfee Coliseum to create a more intimate fan experience, our post-game fireworks are also being modified to adhere to Lew Wolff’s philosophy of intimate cost-effectiveness. Instead of fireworks exploding across the night sky, we will now feature A’s employees standing in the outfield and waving sparklers that we purchased from a Milpitas firework stand, while stirring patriotic music from the public domain blasts over our loudspeakers. We encourage A’s fans to participate in the Fireworks Spectacular by bringing their own lighters to wave over their heads as sparkles light up the Oakland night.

Tuesday, May 30

Free Earthquakes Jersey Night: Hey fans — do you like venue development opportunities? Well, we sure do. That’s why we’ve acquired the rights to bring soccer — and a taxpayer-funded stadium! — back to the South Bay. To celebrate this opportunity for cross-promotional synergy and condominium development, we’re giving away boxes full of San Jose Earthquake jerseys that Major League Soccer gave us when they awarded us the franchise rights. We don’t want ‘em, so you get ‘em — provided you’re one of the first 5,000 fans to enter through Gate B. Remember — once you’ve got Earthquakes fever, there’s no known cure!

Wednesday, May 31

Stadium Blueprint Day: As all A’s fans know, we’ve been planning to build a new ballpark in Oakland for some time now. But you know what they say about the best laid plans — they make great promotional giveaways! So we’re handing out all the schematics and artist renderings of those Oakland ballpark plans that have fallen by the wayside. Want a sketch of the proposed ballpark on the Oakland waterfront? How about a 3-D rendering of the one we thought about building out by Laney College? We’ve got a sketch of the park we were going to slap in the middle of the Coliseum parking lot. And there’s a scale model of the stadium that we were going to build on top of the old drive-in movie theater/flea market off Interstate 880. It’s all available for the first 45 fans who look like they’d be willing to pony up for season tickets in the MVP seating section of whatever new ballpark we wind up building south of here.

Reminder

Remember, fans — during the four-game series with the Minnesota Twins, bleacher seating will include extra security measures, as Twins slugger Joe Mauer continues his assault on Hank Aaron’s home run record. Mauer is just 736 home runs shy of equaling Hammerin’ Hank’s mark, so we’re taking extra precautions to make sure that the bleachers aren’t overcrowded with people seeking one of his historic home run balls. As such, we will not be seating fans in the bleachers one inning before and one inning after Mauer comes to the plate. Also, during Mauer at-bats, we request that fans with a valid bleacher ticket exit quickly and orderly into the East Side Club to watch the at-bats on closed-circuit television. Believe us, it’s better that way.

And for all four games against the Twins, we’re celebrating the history of Minnesota baseball with a unique promotion. In honor of Twins greats Harmon Killebrew, Bombo Rivera, and Hosken Powell, anyone named Harmon, Bombo or Hosken gets half-price Plaza Outfield seats.

Harmon Killebrew, Bombo Rivera, and Hosken Powell are ineligible for this promotion.

Thursday, June 1

Ken Macha Mood Figurine Night: Hey, kids — haven’t you always admired the grace under fire that A’s skipper Ken Macha shows whenever the chips are down? Now you can go through life with that same ineffable sangfroid with the Ken Macha Mood Figurine — it’s part bobblehead, part 1970s-mood ring, with the expression on the figurine’s face changing to fit the situation.

The Ken Macha Mood Figurine sports 235 unique emotions, including:

Happy!

Sad!

Anxious!

Angry!

Excited!

Plagued by painful gas attacks!

With the Ken Macha Mood Figurine, you’ll always stay in control of your emotions, even if the rest of the world thinks you’ve slipped into a coma.

Available to the first 1,000 fans who arrive at Gate A and flash the correct sign for a hit-and-run play.

Friday, June 2

Jay Witasick Walking Cast Night Sponsored by Kaiser Permanente: Now you can slip your ankle into the same kind of walking cast that’s helped Jay Witasick enjoy his stint on the disabled list — provided you’re of the first 2,398 fans who don’t look at us funny when they arrive at the game.

Saturday, June 3

1981 A’s Appreciation Day Sponsored by the Creditors Who Now Own Granny Goose: Celebrate the forgotten A’s divisional champions, as Shooty Babitt, Mickey Klutts, Fred “Chicken” Stanley, Brian Kingman, and other heroes of 1981 as they drop by random tailgate parties in the McAfee Coliseum parking lot. We’re also giving away a boxful of “Billy Ball” bumper sticks that David Forst found in a file cabinet inside his office to the first 300 fans who find the discarded cardboard box out by the dumpster.

Brian Kingman will also be handing out “Brian Kingman Lost 20 Games and All He Gave Me Was This Lousy T-Shirt” collectible jerseys to random passersby at the Coliseum BART station, whether they have tickets to Saturday’s game or not.

Sunday, June 4

Boot to the Head Day at the Coliseum: Sure, our employees deliver one of these practically every time you walk through the door, but we thought we’d just make it official for once.

Everyone gets this one.

Oh, boy! I sure hope I get one of them Brian Kingman shirts on Saturday!

Just don't bring up Jeremy Bonderman and Mike Maroth -- Kingman's still very sensitive about that.

Hey, no one told me. I would have been there. Can I get one of those t-shirts? Do you have Shooty's phone number?

Brian Kingman

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