May 04, 2006
Free John Lackey!
One comment stood out amid all the argle-bargle over Jason Kendall charging the mound in Wednesday’s thrashing of the Angels, and it was provided in the Los Angeles Times’ account and description of the action:
[W]ith the Angels’ starting rotation already weakened by injuries to Bartolo Colon and Kelvim Escobar, Lackey could be slapped with a suspension that would force him to miss a start.“I’ll appeal this one until I die,” Lackey said.
I don’t know about you… but I read that quote, and I think, “Man, that would make a hell of a movie.” And hey, the Angels play in… well, near Los Angeles, which is the movie-making capital of the world. If Arte Moreno wants to add to his considerable bankroll, he should be taking meetings with the folks at Tri-Star or the suits at Dreamworks to get this picture off the ground.
Hey, I’ll even help get things started by coming up with the trailer…
—-
[Fade up on a ballpark built on top of a smoldering dystopia]
Narrator: In a world without hope…
[Cut to Jason Kendall standing at the plate]
Narrator: Where the strong prey on the weak…
[A baseball crashes into Kendall’s forearm]
Narrator: And where the powerful abuse their power…
[The crowd boos. Close-up of Kendall laughing maniacally]
Play-by-Play Announcer: Another hit-by-pitch for Jason Kendall. Can anyone stop him from leaning into another pitch?
Narrator: A hero is ready to emerge.
[Cut to close up of John Lackey, lit beatifically from above]
Lackey: Why don’t you try sticking that elbow-pad over the plate, you f——— p——?
[The crowd gasps. Silence. And then…]
Kendall: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Kendall smash!
Narrator: But sometimes, heroes must pay the price for defiance…
Dale Scott: You’re out of the game, Lackey!
[Cut to Mike Scioscia, looking up from eating a sandwich]
Scioscia: What?
Lackey: What? You f——- p——!
Kendall: Ha! Kendall wins again!
[Cut to a dimly-lit, smoke-filled room]
Narrator: …pay the price… with their freedom.
Bob Watson: So, gentlemen… what shall we do about this troublesome Mr. Lackey?
Bud Selig: Suspend him. Now!
[The Angels clubhouse… scioscia is eating a cheeseburger]
Scioscia: They say you’re suspended, John.
Lakcey: F—-! P——!
Scioscia: I know, I know… say, are you gonna finish those fries?
Narrator: Now, a hero must do what all heroes do when their backs are against the wall.
[Cut to Lackey, sitting alone in the darkened clubhouse]
Narrator: They fight back!
[Cue inspirational music as Lackey strides down the hall to his appeals hearing]
Lackey: Ain’t no way, those f——— p——— are going to suspend me.
Watson: You’re finished, Lackey! You’ll never pitch again… for five games!
[Scioscia looks up his apple pie]
Scioscia: They got us licked, Johnny!
[Cut to Lackey, being dragged out of Angel Stadium by armed guards]
Selig: Enjoy your suspension, Mr. Lackey.
Lackey: I’m suspended? You’re suspended! This whole f——— country is suspended!
Selig: That… makes no sense.
[The Lackey home]
Mrs. Lackey: Damnit, John — this suspension is tearing this family apart.
Lackey: If I let them win, then that means I’ll lose.
Ed Norton: Hello, John. I’m First Amendment attorney Alan Isaacman. Have you thought about taking your case… to the Supreme Court?
[Selig is on the phone]
Selig: John Lackey serves that five-game suspension! He misses that start. Do you hear me?
[Cut to Rex Hudler on the other end of the phone line. He loads a rifle]
Hudler: I understand… master.
[Cut to the Supreme Court]
Chief Justice John Roberts: We will now hear arguments in the case of John Lackey.
Ed Norton: The case against John Lackey is a case against us as a nation. If you take away John Lackey’s right to call Jason Kendall a f——— p——, then none of us can ever call Jason Kendall a f——- p——. Take away that right, your honor, and you might as well take away America.
Narrator: Billy Bob Thornton is John Lackey.
Narrator: Jonathan Frakes is Jason Kendall.
Narrator: Rick Majerus is Mike Scioscia.
Narrator: And introducing Bud Selig as himself.
Narrator: In a film by Milos Foreman. The People vs. John Lackey.
This film has not yet been rated.
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Comments
Excellent stuff. The inspirational music was an, erm, inspired touch.
Hilarious post -- huzzah and kudos.
I've always thought that this guy:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0593734/
...is even more of a dead ringer for Lackey than Billy Bob, with the added bonus that he's got plenty of experience playing mentally unstable hotheads.
You know, Joseph Fiennes is a much better Kendall than Jonathan Frakes.
I needed someone with a neatly trimmed beard and Riker was the first to come to mind. Plus, we blew our casting budget on Billy Bob and Ed Norton.
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