Idiots Write About Sports

We’re a one-TV family. This wasn’t one of those decisions that came out of some sort of we’re-too-good-for-TV fit of simplifying; believe me when I tell you that no one living under our roof is too good for TV. It’s just that our financial picture dictated that we would buy a very cozy — some might say “small” home. And really, where would we put the second TV — on the wall opposite of the first TV? So off to the Salvation Army with you, television I purchased at Costco as the U.S. defeated Colombia in the 1994 World Cup. You served me well through the entire run of Friends.

All of this is a round-about way of saying that I listen to more than my share of A’s games on the radio, as the wife needs to use the TV for the paying gigs. I love unwinding with a baseball game at the end the day as much as the next guy — probably more, really — but I have a hard time looking the wife in the eye and saying, “Yes, I know you have to wrap up the Prison Break recap tonight, but you don’t understand. Nick Swisher’s in a hitter’s count against Felix Hernandez.” So it’s off to the radio with me.

As such, I have become intimately familiar with the commercials pepper throughout each A’s radio broadcast. In part, this is because I have a pretty good memory — it’s not for nothing that even without subscribing to the Extra Innings package, I can still sing a pretty swinging rendition of the Foxwoods Resort & Casino. But mainly, it’s because the A’s have, oh let’s say, a select number of radio sponsors. During the course of a nine-inning game, you’re likely to hear the same commercials three or four or maybe even a dozen times.

We’re a month into the season, and already, the sound of drunken yay-hoos singing “Pass, pass, pass the cold Coors Light” is enough to make my face break out into a series of unappealing tics. I can paraphrase large chunks the Cache Creek Casino commercial. (“Well played!”) And I have a hard time deciding which annoys me more — that the tributes to Bill King are sponsored by the purveyors of swill-in-a-bottle or the BART ads touting the merits of a public-transit system that stops running at midnight.

There are two ads, however, that have captured my imagination during this young seasons and that never fail to illicit some sort of catty comment from yours truly. The first sings the praises of Digital On-Demand from Comcast with none other than celebrity pitchman Ken Macha. The A’s skipper urges us to “manage your TV with Diigtal On-Demand.”

Which raises the question: just how does Ken Macha manage his TV? My guess is he sticks with shows long after they’re done. And if he’s got one of those fancy TVs with picture-in-picture, I’m guessing he never switches to the other show when you think he should. “Gosh, Ken, that show in the preview window sure looks interesting,” you might say. “Yeah, yeah,” Macha would reply. “But I think I’m going to keep it here on Three’s Company. I really wanna see how Jack Tripper gets out of this tight spot.”

I also like the ad for Valero, which reveals this innovative new source of alternative energy:

At Valero, our energy doesn’t just come from the oil in the ground. Our energy also comes from our people.

It does? Why, that’s great, Valero. Say, you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed some of your people, ground them up, and used them as a cheap form of alternative fuel for my Subaru?

You would? Well, shit, then you’re no help at all, Valero.

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