Idiots Write About Sports

Took in Sunday’s Athletics game via the generosity of Ken Arneson of the Catfish Stew Arnesons. The game featured noted pugilist Jason Kendall taking another one for the team, thanks to an errant Travis Harper pitch. Somewhere, John Lackey quakes with rage.

We had been rooting for a hit-by-pitch earlier in the game, not just because it seems to be the only way Kendall can consistently reach base these days, but because of who happened to be pitching for Tampa Bay. Someone in our party observed that it would make for a fun visual, watching an enraged Kendall taking on all six-foot-nine-inches of Mark Hendrickson, which, in turn, moved me to muse about whether Jason Kendall should just adopt sudden, unexplained outbursts as his gimmick. He could be The Guy Who Charges the Mound for No Reason at All. Fans would sit in rapt anticipation with each Kendall at bat, wondering if this is the time the A’s catcher makes that 60-foot sprint out to the mound to dish out some Kendall-sized justice. The A’s could even make a promotion out of it — donate $50 to an anger-management foundation for each random Kendall assault or let some lucky fan win an autographed baseball from whomever Kendall winds up indiscrimanately pummelling. A Kendall tirade could become the A’s equivalent of the Rally Moneky — thus marking the first time the words “Kendall” and “rally” have appeared in the same sentence without being separated by the phrase “hit another ground out, immediately killing the.”

It is to the great credit of Ken and his wife that, as I advanced this theory, neither could be seen nodding politely while surreptitiously motioning for security to remove me from the section.

Anyhow, Kendall dropped the appeal of his four-game suspension on Tuesday when it became apparent that Major League Baseball was not going to recognize his inalienable right to belt anyone just for looking at him funny. 6-4-2 has some excerpts from Kendall’s farewell address to the troops, but I think the highlight is likely:

Major League Baseball has turned into a badminton league.

Which, as far as pop-offs go, is about as weak as one of Kendall’s grounders to third. A badminton league? I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.

By the way, the gold standard for Oh, If Only This Sport Were Populated by More Manly Men Like Myself quotations remains this gem of an observation from Tyrus Raymond Cobb:

Baseball is a red-blooded sport for red-blooded men. It’s no pink tea, and mollycoddles had better stay out.

Pink tea! Mollycoddles! Now that’s a quote from an unrepentant madman. If you ever hope to match that, Jason Kendall, you’ve got a lot to learn.

Post a comment